Sunday, July 24, 2011


and relief I guess

further to my last post...

I have since dealt with both my mother and mother-in-law and I believe successfully in so far as I have stood my ground and not caved (which was typical of me not so long ago). No apologies were given as they weren't warranted and I made a conscious effort to stop "stewing" and move forward*.

And as far as I'm concerned all is well.

Yay me : P

*OK so I didn't hash it out with either of them... that would be making a bigger deal of things than they really were and would inevitably create bigger problems (talking from previous experience) so I've dropped the subject... until it arises again (which is entirely possible LOL)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

fed up

I'm having a bit of trouble with the oldies at the moment...

my mother has developed an annoying habit of calling at the busiest times of day (but mainly night) in our household. for the most part I have been able to say "look you've called at a bad time can I call you later?" which I think is perfectly reasonable. in recent weeks she is calling as I've been walking in the door from taking the kids to their activities... this can be sometimes 7 at night and there's a whole lot of stuff to be done before I can think about my own dinner so in my action all stations mode I hardly feel like talking to my mum who more often than not just drivels.

last night (after I'd had a shocker of a day... and I'll elaborate on that in a mo') she called as I'm getting the kids organised for bed. Hubby answered the phone and promptly handballs it to me. feeling under the pump with the craziness bedtime can bring, seeing peace and quiet just within reach and already being highly annoyed about something else, I was a bit short with her... telling her I was quite busy and couldn't she call at better times? "and what time is that?" she asks "how about after the kids have gone to bed or during the afternoon?" "while I'm at work" "yeah" "right then" click... she hung up no doubt for effect and I'm sure to teach me a lesson but you know what? f*ck it!

on the other side of the coin and the reason for me being so testy prior to my mum calling.... may I present my mother in law
she too calls at the worst times, usually at 8:27am when I am just about walk out the door to do the school drop off and doesn't take the hint. Somehow I have yet to master the knack of being direct about such things with her.... it's trickier, she takes offense and then we must tread on eggshells for ages. gah!
so yesterday, she calls... it's school hols so we are not in the usual rush but I ask you... doesn't 7:45am seem just a tad too early to be finding out about the newborn great grandson? that couldn't wait till a more civilised hour? We got onto other things, she and Pop are babysitting this week for us and I have become accustomed to confirming dates and times with her as she has been muddled and forgetful. She recently came off anti depressants and I'll be honest I don't think it was for the best. Certainly she did not follow her doctors instructions regarding how to manage it and we have all struggled with how she has (or hasn't coped) but we have tried hard to understand. By no means do I think its any easy thing to do but I will say we are all impacted. Ok so with confirming days of babysitting we come up with some that don't correspond (which is disappointing but fine I can work around it and tried not to make a big deal of it) then she proceeds to tell me she wants to take Miss 6 to the movies that night instead of next Tuesday and she would stay the night. Hang on that's not what we agreed and something inside me snapped.

We had never agreed about her staying the night and in fact I am sure I had told her that Hubby and I had decided there would be no separate sleep overs for our kids (unless unavoidable) because the little one has started to notice and feels left out. But Miss 2 is too young to go to the movies... so a daytime session would be better and then Miss 6 could come home.  Here is where I hope most grandies would go "ok we'll do that then" but my MIL likes to have her way so she argued the point.

Trying to keep calm (because there is something about her that just sends me off the deep end) I tell her that I was not prepared to argue the point with her (god if it came to it I would take Miss 6 to the movie) MIL takes this as a red rag and makes a HUGE deal of backing off (and believe me that is so damn frustrating and infuriating because her aim is to make YOU/ me look like the bad guy).  It was all I could do not to hang up on her.

So that set me up for a very tense day... I am one for stewing over things... I called a friend, I spoke to Hubby, now I'm blogging.

It's just that I'm fed up, enough is enough surely? we can't go on not knowing where we stand with her and currently (and for a some time now) that's how it's been... a constant state of uncertainty

thanks for listening

Friday, July 8, 2011

a breakthough... maybe

a tiny glimmer of light shone for me this week re Miss 6 (almost 7) and her perplexing behaviour

this week she had a couple of really rotten days, she was rude, irrational and at times downright nasty. She was not acting like herself (even on a bad day) And it wasn't until I saw how she spoke to her friend that it dawned on me.... this is possibly a tween version of PMT*

then I thought back... almost to the day, one month ago she had another rough few days. She even took herself to the school office and asked to go home one day. The receptionist at school put her on the phone to me and it was clear what she was using as an excuse to go home (a sore foot) was not the issue but something on an emotional level.

So I have further research to do, I have got kids omega 3  fish oil and vitamins for her and hopefully we can at the very least try to alleviate her symptoms.

My guess is puberty is going to be a long and bumpy ride for all of us.

*yes she is only 6 (almost 7) but she is big for her age. And when I say big I mean tall and broad, she is not over weight. To look at her she could easily be mistaken for older.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

June 2011 (man I really should be more creative with my titles...)

June has been a bit of a crazy month for me and has slipped past far too quickly, I've being trying to take a moment to make sense of it all and all I've come up with is that this month was just full of emotions

it's not hard to see why when I look back, I came off the horrid mini pill that I'm sure was doing more bad than good. It's side effects have made me an awful person to be around and you know things are bad when you don't even like yourself much.

So after much thought and discussion, I stopped taking it... and wouldn't it be lovely if that solved all my problems? but there is of course now a period of adjustment and rebalance and quite frankly that sucks just as much as being of the wretched pill.

I talked a bit about researching personality types last month, at first it was in an attempt to gain more understanding of how my 6 year old ticks and it has kind of helped me interact more successfully with her but as I read more I discover more about myself.... I seem to be a type 6... ruled by anxiety and overly cautious among other things... oh and at times plagued by perfectionism (type 1) .... this coupled with anxiety seems to fester into a fear of failure in me and so I often do not attempt things so as to avoid the possibility of not getting it right the first time. I'm finding myself fretting over unfulfilled dreams (particularly career orientated) and caving in on myself, paralysed with the lack of self confidence.

Ok so acknowledging this about myself and being highly hormonally emotional have made this month rather unpleasant. I have had moments where I have absolutely loathed myself and drawn the conclusion that I'm an utter failure as a parent.

Thankfully I've had other moments where I've picked myself up and got my sh!t together all set to do better, for me and the family. It's all very up and down (no doubt like my hormones).

A couple of families have inspired me to do much better and it's worth a look at their pages....

Lilah Sophie a dear child who survived when her family was told there was no hope and whose family have shared their belief in loving and living life to the fullest.

Alice Pyne a young girl with terminal Hodgkins Disease who writes a blog about her bucket list. This disease strikes a nerve with me, having suffered from it. I find I am filled with shame, questioning myself... I have survived and have I done enough with my life?

Taking "me time" has felt horribly selfish, which is silly because I think the whole tribe would benefit if I did.  I've snuck in the odd nap, done my usual reading (currently reading Good Omens by Neil Gaiman), watched the whole first season of Game of Thrones which I love! and watched the movie Paul, which was ok, kind of funny but not hilarious.

I am starting to feel more settled as the month goes on so I have hope that this horrid state of emotional flux will subside and become more manageable. God I'm looking forward to things feeling a bit more "normal"...