Thursday, December 12, 2013

a psychic told me...

that the busier I was, the happier I'd be. 

At the time, I thought what a load of bull.  Being too busy, having no time for myself stresses me out to the max.  But it's Christmas time and I am flat out crazy busy and I'm relieved to say, I'm doing ok.

My house is untidy, my to do list is very, very long, my wish list of what I'd like to do is even longer but I'm ok.

I cringe when I look back at my last post.  Ugh, I was not in a good place.  The PMT was seriously pushing me beyond breaking point last month.  This month hasn't been as bad.  And that combined with having to get on with it (as in life and all the things that need doing at the moment) have so far got me through.

I think it helps a little to know everyone is stressed and tired and run down and having to push on regardless right now.

I am trying to be kind to myself a little more; I've got a massage booked for tomorrow.  I sometimes ignore my to do list and work on things on my wish list like my writing.  I've been on dates with my Hubby and it has all helped get me through.

I went to the psychic on the recommendation of a friend, she described it as her form of therapy.  I went out of curiosity and came away not quite as sceptical as I'd gone in.  She told me a lot of things and I've already seen some of the things happen.  I had wondered if it was only because she had planted the seed of an idea in my head and I made it happen but then something happened this week where I had no part of the decision making and I hadn't mentioned the prediction to that person either. 
It will be interesting to see what will happen next....

Monday, November 11, 2013

off kilter

I'm really feeling it now, the depression, I mean.  I'm not sad as such but I know I'm not coping.  It would be easier if there were tears, I understand tears.  They're a release but not for me. Not right now.

I get it, it's a busy time of year... it always is from now until Christmas.  The stress levels have skipped a few levels and are sky high at the moment.  I'm getting things done, at least I think I am.  The state of my desk has not improved, I should rifle through the growing stack of papers to make sure I haven't missed an important notice from school or accidentally let a bill go unpaid.  So far so good, nothing has been missed, I've just left it to the last minute.  I'm not normally like that.

Little things are getting to me,  the incessant chatter of my children... the absent minded thumping of my husbands hand on the sofa... the ticking of the damn clock.  They all grate on my very last frayed nerve.

And all the while, I must keep the household running, keep up the happy, productive front at work, keep nurturing relationships.... keep moving forward.

I'm not coping,  I think of self-harm in a abstract sort of way.  I don't want to die by any means but I want an outlet for this pain that I can't identify.  I don't even know if it is pain or something else.  I really couldn't tell you.

All I know is that I have a regular image in my mind of bleeding from the wrists, hoping this feeling will drain away.  Made worse now that it's T-shirt weather and my bare skin feels exposed and vulnerable. 

I will get past this, I just wonder what I should do until that time comes.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Permission denied

Life at the moment very much resembles a swinging pendulum for me.

I have good days and bad.

Some days I'm productive but I have more days where I'm not.  At least, not at home.  Work on the other hand is great, I'm happily busy there.  The company has asked me to come across from the agency to them which is fantastic.  The people are still awesome.  I'm very lucky.

But I'm starting to think my house is a reflection of how I feel. 

Untidy and unorganised.

It gets me down. 

Today is the first day I've had to myself in a long while... appointments got cancelled on me and so I find myself with the opportunity to get stuff done, yet I'm not doing it. 

I know I should be kind to myself and not beat myself up about not doing anything but I need someone to give me permission. To tell me it's ok to take a mental health day.

I know that person should be me but it's not yet.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


Just swinging by to let you know where I'm at right now.

I was naive enough to think that once I recognized what was actually wrong with me and started to take something for it, that all would be well.  I knew the meds take a while and they have made some difference but not as much as I hoped.

My anxiety has improved a lot, I can tell because when I drive I haven't got a stomach full of butterflies constantly and  don't feel the punch of adrenaline when someone pulls out in front of me unexpectedly or does anything stupid (which on Perth roads is more often than not).

So that's good right? worrying less is good, it would be safe to assume.


Now I have room in my head to worry about other things, bigger things, scarier things.  These things still keep me up at night.

And my self confidence has gone way, way down.  I wouldn't have thought it was all that high to begin with but it is definitely at a low equal to that of my late teens and early twenties.

My Hubby and I started a marriage course, run by a local church but most of it isn't spiritual in any way.  It's all about relearning how to get to know your partner again and communicating effectively.  We have been to 2 sessions so far and it's been good, but has dredged up a lot of stuff.  We are trying very hard to listen to each other and tell each other what's really going on.

Hubby is trying really hard, I guess all he needed was some instruction on how to do it.  It's becoming more and more apparent to us that our major role models in marriage ie our parents don't always know what they're doing!  So I'm really proud of Hubby's progress, I am making some progress too but a lot of baggage comes along with it so I don't think it feels like progress to me just yet.

I am communicating to Hubby how I feel more now, not hiding my depression so much but still not wanting to worry him.  I finally told him that I often have thoughts about self harming, they come out when things aren't running so smoothly.  I can't cope and they are the first thing that pops into my head.  I'm finding I want to be alone a lot of the time too,  the kids bickering really gets me down and makes me want to hide rather than deal with it.  I do try to sort them out but without much success so far.

So I find myself often wondering why on Earth does Hubby love me.  I suppose that's my greatest fear... that one day he won't.

Gah! Self esteem... pfft!

Saturday, July 20, 2013

thought for the day

I had a massage yesterday.  It's something I don't do often enough for myself.

The lady I see is a little alternative, for lack of a better word but I like her.  She gives an awesome remedial type massage but there is a spiritual aspect to what she does. 

When she works on you, your body tells her where to go next... that's sounds a bit weird I know but it works for me.  I end up getting what I need rather than what I think I need, usually it's not about the physical side of things.

And I always come away with something to think about.  This time what she told me really resonated with what is going on with my life.

She spoke about an incident in her life which I knew about before but what had changed was her perspective.  Her interpretation of the event as a child had created lifelong issues and recently she spoke to the person involved to finally ask why.  The answer turned out to be the complete opposite to what she had told herself all her life and gave her freedom from the bonds she'd created for herself.

It made me think about things that have happened in my life and question the message I'm sending myself.

By no means am I saying that this can be applied to everything or everyone.  There are incidences that can not be forgiven or forgotten by changing ones perspective but the things that came to the forefront of my mind when I spoke to my massage lady are things I think I can work on.

Wish me luck x

Saturday, July 6, 2013

checking in

I find myself apologising a lot for my lengthy absences here and again I am sorry.

Recently, I faced my own truth and admitted that I have been struggling and needed help with depression.  If I am really honest, I have struggled in some form or severity for a long, long time. 

My moods and issues were affecting my relationships with the ones I love most so negatively.  Part of what made me go back to my doctor finally, was seeing how much medication had helped my darling Hubby and wanting that kind of improvement for myself as well as my family.

Now that I've acknowledged I am part of the problem, I hope to become part of the solution.

My first steps haven't been easy, taking my anti-depressant for the first time broke my heart.  For me it felt like admitting to my failure to cope.  I know there are lovely pictures floating about the internet saying that depression is a sign of staying strong for too long which is all well and good but you know what? In the harsh light of day, it's not the message you send yourself.  I've never felt more vulnerable and weak.

The medication is slowly starting to take effect, I have good days as well as not so good ones.  To be expected I imagine but for the most part I'm feeling pretty apathetic.  I feel like I'm existing most of the time rather than living.  I get the basic stuff done at home to keep the family running but I don't have it in me to go the extra mile. 

My biggest disappointment is that my sense of creativity and motivation to write has gone dormant.  It is only in the last few days that I've felt like looking at my book and when I've worked on it, it has only been to edit and iron out the kinks in the storyline.  I hope that as I improve, my writing mojo will come back.  I miss my characters.

And so my blogging has gone by the wayside as well.  I do fully intend to get back to doing more posts on Bali but I can't promise when that will be.

Thanks to those of you who have popped in every now and then.  I do appreciate your visits and feel free to drop me a note in my inbox or comment. I will reply

x o

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Bali 2013

Why Bali?  I think many Australians view Bali as a sort of daggy place to holiday.  It's kind of been there, done that in some ways.  It's overseas but close to home, cheap and cheerful. Certainly not considered to be a trip of a lifetime, more like somewhere to go like you would a weekend away.

I have only been twice, the first time was 1998 for my honeymoon and this year I finally returned.  The 2002 bombings put me off for a long, long time.  But since then, a lot of family and friends have been and come back with nothing but good things to say and slowly my opinion started to change and I decided I was ready to give Bali another chance.

OK, so why here and not somewhere else? Well, from Perth (where I live) it is only a 3 hour 15 minute flight.  That's the same time it takes to fly interstate to visit my family and a very do-able time for kids.

Flights from Perth are relatively cheap, specials pop up all the time.  When you see them, grab them! We basically planned our holiday around a flight special.

It's warm, being so close to the equator, Bali has a dry season and wet season.  Best to travel in the dry season especially if you don't like humidity.  It is still more humid than in Perth and I don't do well in humidity but I coped fine, so if I can, I figure anyone can.

Tip: Humidity... forget about makeup (at least foundation) you will just sweat it off. And forget about hair driers and straighteners, there is no point! I had to make my peace with frizzy hair.  My MIL's hair went flat and my girls hair loved it, their curls were curlier than ever.

Bali can be a very pretty place, think tropical plants, drinking from coconuts, driving past rice paddy fields. The hotels and villas are lovely and there are lots of lovely places to eat.

What I had forgotten about Bali was how grotty it can be.  It is a third world country.  Tourism is their main industry.  The streets are narrow with uneven footpaths (and in some places there aren't footpaths), there is always a film of grey dust about and there are open drains. 

The traffic is crazy.  Most locals get around on mopeds, often with the whole family on board.  The rule seems to be that there are no road rules, so getting around can be a little hair raising.  Best to close your eyes and not look in some cases.  What's amazing is that there doesn't seem to be any road rage, vehicles just flow around an obstacle.

We took blue taxis for short trips and hired a driver for the day when we wanted to do tours.  Both are quite cheap though at night finding a taxi with a meter was hard so you had to barter for your fare. Either way it was cheap to get around. 

Tip: always ask if the taxi has a meter before getting in and if not, set the price before the trip.

There are lots of beautiful hotels and resorts and private villas to stay in Bali.  This time we chose to stay in a villa because we were a group of 6 and wanted the privacy and peace that a villa could offer.   

We initially chose a lovely looking villa online and paid a deposit, later we found that the official looking website that we had booked through was in fact a scam and our money was gone. The villa owners had no record of our booking and the website suddenly disappeared from the web. We had to wear that mistake and were of course pretty angry about it but there wasn't much we could do to try and get our cash back.

So we found another very nice looking villa in Seminyak through Tripadvisor and we contacted the owner by email then telephone (she was Australian so that made it easier) before making the booking and decided to pay by Paypal so that we were covered by their insurance if anything went wrong.

As it turned out, everything was perfect this time and the villa was even nicer than the one we had originally thought we'd booked.  It had a beautiful garden with a 20 metre lap pool,  3 enormous bedrooms each with it's own ensuite and a maid that looked after us every day.  It was heaven.

We had wondered whether holidaying with so many people might be a little claustrophobic but it was ok, we all had plenty of space if we needed to get away and once we had worked out a routine that suited everyone, everyone was happy.

The kids virtually lived in the pool, every chance they got they were swimming.

Tip: the water in Bali is not fit to drink.  Rinse toothbrushes with bottled water and plug ears when swimming.  We bought ear putty for the kids and ear drops to dry out their ears in case any water had gotten in.  Friends had warned us of ear infections from frequent swimming and visits to the doctor can be expensive over there.

Next time...
Tours and Sightseeing etc

Friday, May 10, 2013

The Holiday That Nearly Wasn't

We're back! But we nearly didn't go.
About 2 weeks before we were meant to fly to Bali, Indonesia, our youngest Miss 4 (aka Poss) became very ill with a raging fever and difficulty breathing.  We rushed her to our local hospital and  we found out she had the early stages of pneumonia.  It was a scary weekend, Hubby was away working and all I could do was give him updates.  Thankfully I had the support of my inlaws and a good friend to help with Miss 8. 

Of all the weekends for this to happen, this was the one when Miss 8's dancing showcase day was on.  Full hair and make up had to be done for competition photos.  Midway through the showcase I got the call from the inlaws that the home visit doctor wanted Poss taken to emergency so I left Miss 8 in the capable hands of my friend and met the inlaws and Poss at the hospital.

All went well for Poss, the antibiotics and puffers did their job and she recovered quickly.  We kept her off school and away from daycare just in case.

Then 5 days before we were due to fly out, little Poss developed a new cough and couldn't stop.  She struggled to breathe again, we could see she was working far too hard to get the air in, so off to emergency again.

This time she had picked up a new chest infection and the doctor admitted her into hospital. It was then that we asked what was the likelihood of us getting on a plane the following Tuesday.  The doc didn't like to speculate and we could feel our holiday that we all so desperately needed  slipping away.

Our 2 nights in hospital were up and down; Poss refused to take the oxygen mask and nebulisers, she fought so hard it was exhausting for both her and me. She'd no sooner clear some gunk in her chest when it would get lodged somewhere else and her oxygen sats would plummet again.
Finally the new antibiotics and steroids started to work and we saw a huge improvement.  She was tired but was breathing so much easier and they let her come home.  A final check up from our GP on the day before we were due to fly gave her the all clear and we were on our way!

We loaded up with all her meds we might need if she got into difficulty while we were away and the address of a reputable clinic in Bali but she never needed even a puffer.  We were very fortunate that she made a full recovery and has been well ever  since.

So that is my tale of woe I guess, over the next few posts I will post about the trip itself. 
Until then... x o

Thursday, April 11, 2013

I've always been really bad at coming up with titles for posts and this is no exception... An update of what's going on

So I haven't been here in a while and I felt like I owed those of you who pop up as direct hits on my blog something of an update so here 'tis...

things have not been good here, I had a rant in my last post and in retrospect that was merely the symptom of a bigger issue. it hasn't been fun here in the land of shish.

so what is wrong you may (or may not) be wondering? I think the bottom line is that neither myself nor my darling Hubby are basically happy right now.  That sounds awful and it is. Everyone deserves to be happy and it's has me frantically searching for answers.

I'm a "got to have all the answers" kind of person, I need to know the reason why things are the way they are... to everything. It's frustrating for me when I can't find the answers and for those around me who can not give them to me.

In this case, I was blindsided by how these issues which have been brewing for a long time, seemed to sneak up and king hit me from behind.  We were both taken unawares I think and both of us came up with different ways to deal with it.  I'm not saying that they were initially effective though.

I'm an emotional talker, I need to get all my feelings out there and heard.  Hubby not so much and this makes it tricky and has made the situation flare up on more than one occasion. 

However. the more we "talk" (and thankfully we are getting better at it) the closer we're getting to how we can get back to being happy. 

On one important front we've established that Hubby is suffering to some degree of depression and are seeking help with that. As for me I don't know if I am too or not, I am frightened to allow myself to admit there is that possibility.

All I know is that these past few weeks have awakened insecurities and doubts in me that have not travelled with me for many years. I am trying hard not to give in to them, trying hard to see the big picture and stay positive.  It helps that I have to keep on keeping on, life doesn't stop just because I'm having a shit time of it.

We also have a holiday to look forward to, it couldn't come at a better time believe me! 8 nights in tropical Bali (pictures will follow I promise)

 And I bought tickets to the Frank Warren Postsecret lecture / show for this month.  Something told me at the time that I needed to get tickets and though I can't adequately explain to Hubby what it will be about (I'm not 100% sure myself!) I think we will get a lot out of it.

So that's a bit about what's going on.  I will try to pop in and let you know how we're getting on.
Thanks for stopping by x o

Monday, February 25, 2013

I do, in fact, mind

long time time, no write I know.  Truthfully I just could not face another "so this is what I've been up to" blog post. Maybe another time, we'll see.

Really I'm only posting now because I need to vent / rant / carry on like a pork chop, take your pick... so if you'll indulge me a little.

I don't know about you but there are some things in a relationship that never change, some are good like the way my dear Hubby can make me laugh like no one else can... a really hearty sidesplitting laugh that leaves me gasping for breath afterwards... all from stuff that no one else will ever "get" except for us.

Then there are not so good things, every relationship has them... from a niggling little irk that rubs you the wrong way to deal breaker stuff.

I have a niggling issue with my dear one that will drive me bananas till the day I die, I'm sure.  And it's not just the issue itself that is so maddening but the fact that while everyone else around us can, my darling can not (or perhaps will not) see it.

I will not go into specifics as I'm a believer that everything I write here should be available for Hubby to read even though I know he doesn't.

I'm simply fed up with the assumption that has been made up to this point that if we don't argue or even talk about this splinter of a problem, that all is OK and he can go ahead and do what he wants.

I DO, in fact, MIND

PS: I thought I should perhaps clarify that in this case we have already "discussed" the issue (read that as  said "discussion" ending in a stalemate as it always does). 

The assumption I'm talking about above is that after our "discussion"  has ended and the dust has settled (in albeit uneasy truce but by no means forgotten), he interprets this as his green light to proceed because apparently I'm over it and everything is back to being fine.

The issue remains, same as always and still friggin' unresolved GAH!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

December 2012

the thing about December is that an awful lot happens in the space of one calendar month! I look back now for things to tell you and I can't remember what I was doing.

I know we did a lot, December sees the end of the school year here so the kids are exhausted but we still push them along to get everything done; school assemblies, class parties, swimming lessons etc etc.

The dancing year ends with a huge concert over 2 nights. This year I was lucky enough to strike an agreement with another mum where we each took a night to dress both kids so the other could watch the show in it's entirety. It was amazing! I had tears in my eyes watching Miss 8 dance her heart out.

Now while all the craziness of school and dancing is going on as well as having to show up at work... nothing else gets done! No Christmas shopping or cooking, no cleaning above the basics... the tree was lucky to be put up early(ish) this year, it's frustrating but there are only so many hours in the day!

Then a week before Christmas, my parents arrived from interstate for 2 and a half weeks. It was exciting because I haven't spent Christmas Day with them in 15 years. I think they enjoyed themselves here, they didn't do all the touristy things as they've been there, done that on previous trips. The heat got to them, our Christmas Day was 38 degrees Celsius followed by a 40 degree week long heatwave so much of their visit was spent sitting under our air con watching the tennis (Hopman Cup) and the cricket and playing with the kids.

New Years Eve was a fun time, we spent it with the family and some close friends, Hubby made us Mojitos (modified ones for my friend who can't drink Bacardi, we called them Modkas... the alternative was Vajitas hehe). I had a little *ahem* hangover... nothing a panadol and big cooked brekkie the next morning didn't fix.

During this month, there wasn't a lot of me time. I managed to read at night, sometimes until very late but I really needed that wind down time. I got very frustrated at not being able to sit and write in peace, storylines kept popping into my head and it sent me a bit nuts. I managed to scribble things down as I thought of them so I wouldn't forget.

There was very little movie and tv time so I'll only list the books I read. Most were short stories and novellas...

Wish List by Sylvia Day
a short and sweet holiday romance, I love how she can create a world with wonderful detail in such a short space of time / pages.

A Dark Kiss of Rapture (#0.5 Renegade Angels series) by Sylvia Day
I liked this story but would have loved it if it had been longer... it was just a snapshot into a very interesting paranormal world. I'm hoping the rest of the series expands on the concepts and characters.

Big Girls Do It Better (#1 in series) by Jasinder Wilder
this was ok, just a bit of fluff to read. The characters were likeable and I would have liked a nice conclusion for them but the book ended quite abruptly on a cliffhanger. It made me feel a little cheated, I might go back to the series later but I'm not rushing.

Her Master's Kiss by Vivien Sparx
a sub/dom erotic story with very little actual sex in it. It did have an ok romantic storyline but then as an additional thing at the back of the book, it had a fictional interview with the characters and they both seemed very different to how they were in the book, in fact I didn't like them . Don't think I'd bother with the follow up originally titled Her Master's Kiss 2 unless it turns up on Amazon for free and I have absolutely nothing else to read.

Covet (Vampire Erotic Theatre #1) by Felicity E Heaton
I really liked the paranormal ideas in this story, they were different to the usual vampire "rules". It is well written (vastly improved to what I've read of her work previously) and kept me interested.

Crave (Vampire Erotic Theatre #2) by Felicity E Heaton
This follow up in the series was just as good a the first. It follows a different character's story as well as continues an ongoing story. You get enough tidbits about other characters to keep you interested in following the series.

The Boat Builder's Bed by Kris Pearson
an easy read. nice to have a story set somewhere different... in this case New Zealand though all the spelling was in US English which kind of irked me a little. The story is told through both female and male lead characters and though the story was short there was enough character development to get to know and like them. I would have liked a little more drama to their conflict, much of it was told as inner monologue fears. Would definitely recommend this for anyone looking for an entertaining quickie romance read.

And that's about it for me... Happy New Year! Hope 2013 brings you success and happiness x o x o