Wednesday, December 17, 2014

passing through

another quick one to touch base

getting our house ready for sale is more than I can cope with... not just right now but ever.  at least that's how it feels today.  the task seems so huge and overwhelming and I crumble at the thought rather than take things on one job at a time like I know I should.

we've had some help, which we're eternally grateful for and still the job seems so big.

if I had the dollars I'd get professionals in to sort it out for me, seriously I am no good at this type of thing.

Christmas is not the time of year to be taking on this sort of crazy,  what were we thinking????

Monday, December 1, 2014

a bad day

having a rotten day today peeps, feeling really down and overwhelmed and basically crap

went grocery shopping and bought an insane amount of comfort food... I knew I was doing it and that I shouldn't but I did it anyway.

Gah! I hate days like today :(

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I hate coming up with blog post titles

Ah so last we met, I was cranky with the fam and I'm happy to report that things have improved.  It boiled down to me having to create a list of chores I expected other people other than myself to do in the house.

It's not completely fool proof, I do have to get used to them doing things in their own time rather than mine.  But for the most part things are getting done.

Other things have been happening too.... exciting things!

Hubby and I have finally decided it's time to move.  We need a bigger place, somewhere we can settle down, the kids can grow up into teens and I imagine still live with us for a time as young adults.  I'm ok with this, I think it's naive to think they will move out at age 18 like I pretty much did to go to uni.  Life was tough, trying to juggle studying and living independently. I was often a tad jealous of other students who lived at home still and were basically "looked after" so all they had to worry about was their studies. I want better for my kids.

Anyway, seeing a beautiful house got the ball rolling for us.  We missed out on that house but it's got us moving in the right direction.  We have the option of buying an established house or building (there is a lovely new estate in our suburb), still not sure what we'll do yet.

And we've made a move on fixing all the little things around our place... makes me wonder why the hell did we leave them so long.  The perils of "making do" and procrastination.

So it won't all happen overnight... technically even now I should be doing "house stuff" not fiddling about on the computer but hey, I run on Shish time.

What else?  Well, work is up and down.  They're trialing a new roster which works better for me as of next week.  I hope they keep it.  The bully was civil to me yesterday, she wasn't going to speak to me but since the person she was waiting for was busy, I asked if she needed help and turns out I could help her so I did.  Not really a big deal but it's progress.  I don't want to be her friend or anything but I'm just sick of being in the same centre and feeling like we can't be professional when our paths cross (which is rare now but still.)

We have another staff member who also causes a bit of grief.  He's a good guy, but when it comes to work, he doesn't have the same work ethic as the rest of us so it grates on everyone's nerves.  The more senior staff get cranky because they have to stay on his case and that ruins the whole mood for the office.  I'm fed up too, more so because of the effect it's had on our team's moral.  I feel bad, he's a cool guy. Outside of work, it would be a different story but he's not someone I want to work with.

I guess it's because things are revving up at work because of Christmas that it feels worse than ever now.  We're all tired, the pressure is on and we can't pick up the slack of one team member who is still goofing around.

OK enough of work.  I try not to think about it too much when I'm not there... (except for now when I'm telling you LOL)

I seem to be going ok off my meds but I can't tell you for sure if I'm doing well.  I don't have the huge anxiety I had before so that's good.  But I have my moments where I'm irritable... but who isn't at times right?  Like I said in my last post, I felt like I was being treated like a doormat but the meds were keeping me calm (maybe too calm) so nothing was being changed.  I'm more motivated now ( a good thing) but in order to get things done, I need to kick a few butts sometimes.  My kids are not impressed as I'm on their cases more but they've had it so easy for so long!

Again this time of year plays a huge role in how I (and everyone else) feels.  Guess we all need to just push through until we reach the other side.

Having said that, hayfever has made me her bitch.  This time of year here in Perth is awful for it.  The wildflowers are out in force, the weather has been humid and muggy and then windy.  All of which messes with my sinuses.  I went to my doc yesterday because I haven't felt "well" for a while now but not sick enough to take time off work.  It's worrying, I'm terrible for imagining all sorts of awful things that might be wrong.  He's given me some stuff to help with my hayfever and taken a blood test for thyroid... we'll see what that has to say.  Maybe I just want to be the one to be looked after by someone else for a change? Being fussed over a little would be nice every now and then, I don't think that's being terribly selfish... right?  Ha!

With all this other stuff happening, I've done little to no writing of my own, nor have I done any beta-reading.  Not enough hours in the day nor enough energy in this little body I'm afraid.  My mind has just not been in the right space and I hate that. I hate not being able to be "creative me" for whatever reason.

Shall try to find more balance in what I do... maybe that should be my New Year's Resolution  but bring it forward... why procrastinate till January right?

LOL I crack myself up.  I suck at resolutions.

Well if you got this far with my post, well done and thankyou.  Have just read it back and thought WTF? myself. Love ya & Bye x

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

dummy spit / rant

this morning I spat the dummy (Australian for pacifier US peeps), meaning I lost my sh!t completely with the fam.  Where it landed is where I firmly draw my line in the sand.

I love them all dearly but for the love of Frank, I have become their doormat.

Just this week, I ended my course of antidepressants.  Yay me!  I'll admit, I'm suffering from a bit of anxiety and irritability... maybe due to the withdrawal or maybe because I feel like while I was doing everyone a "favour" by taking them, remaining reasonably calm and going with the flow, I was also allowing them to walk all over me.

All for the sake of preserving the peace.

I just took a week holiday from work and spent it working hard around the house.  Weeding, cleaning and prepping for the kids' Halloween party.  Everything looked really good and the party was awesome.

My hubby did step in and help decorate and clean up.  I'll give him his due.

But in day to day life, I feel like I'm the only one pulling my weight around here.  OK so I don't have a full time paying job but with no one else helping out at home, I don't have ANY spare time to spend on me.  I want to write but carrying the full load of responsibility at home has sapped my motivation and energy.  I don't have TIME,  let alone the SPACE or PEACE to write.

I'm too busy picking up after kids and cooking dinners, my husband is a great cook and yet he doesn't ever do it.  My laundry load is never ending, there is never a time when there are no dirty dishes in the sink. AND we have a dishwasher FFS!  My 6 year old expects me to dress her if she whines long enough.  There are so many things they are all capable of doing but refuse to do because "good ole Mum will, all you have to do it leave it long enough".

Not any more.

I gave them all an ultimatum this morning; start doing the little things or I'll stop doing the big things.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

wish me luck

I woke up the other morning feeling ready for a change.

I've been wondering for a while whether I would be ok if I discontinued my antidepressants.  Part of me is really scared that I might not cope.  Another part of me knows that there are significant benefits to not being on them.

I came to the point where I knew I had to try, so I asked my doctor and he was fine with it.  There shouldn't be many if any side effects from stopping, providing I do it gradually.

The only thing is that I may go back to how I was before.  I'm willing to risk that because I know I'm in a better place than before.  I definitely know myself a hell of a lot better and I have learned a lot about relationships over the past 15 months since I started taking it.

I think I have the tools to cope with things as they pop up in life and I know if everything gets on top of me again I can ask for help.

So wish me luck as I take my first baby steps :-)

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

mixed feelings: a little progress and some sadness

you know what?

I hate to clean and I hate to garden but there is something to be said for the good feeling you get when you look at the clean house or the weeded garden and it looks great and you think "yeah, I did that!"

Before my parents arrived I really got stuck in and cleaned my house, ok the kids bedrooms were NOT tidy (and for the record mine wasn't either but nowhere near as bad as my 2 cherubs) but the rest of the house looked great.

And I've done most of the weeding in the front garden.  It's by no means perfect, the weeds will return and I was loathe to spray in case I killed all my neglected plants that somehow survive in spite of me.  However it does not look like the jungle that it grew into over winter.

My backyard still needs a LOT of work.  I've got a couple of weeks before the kids' party so that's my next focus (as well as trying to maintain my tidy house.... we'll see how that pans out :/  )

Anyway I'm feeling a bit proud.

And now on another topic and a sad one at that...

I had to make the tough decision to have one of my cats euthanased this week.  Sooty was almost 14 years old. My husband gave her to me when she was a kitten for Christmas in 2000.  I told him (joking a little) that I wanted a grey cat with a white shirt front and white socks.  He scoured the city until he found one and drove an hour across the city to get her.  Sooty had a crooked tail, it looked as though it had been shut in a door when she was weeks old.  There was little we could do to fix it but it didn't seem to bother her so we left it at that.

Sooty and I did not always see eye to eye, mostly because she always seemed to want to compete with me to be the alpha female in the family.  We eventually agreed to disagree I think and since she was never a snuggly sit on your lap kind of cat, we kind of just let each other have our own space with the occasional leg smooch and daily "feed me and I'll love you forever" request.

My poor old girl really started to look ill a while back.  For a long time she was skinny but then you could start to tell she wasn't grooming like she used to and she wasn't as feisty... she would always give the other 2 cats a swat every now and then just to keep them in line but really a hiss or a look from her was all it usually took.  That all changed and she would just sit at our feet, tucked away under the computer desk.

It seemed she wanted the company but didn't want to be bothered too much.

This week she became very weak in her back legs.  My hubby is out of town for work but my parents were here visiting.  I told the kids Sooty needed to go to the vets and she probably wouldn't come home again.  They both said their goodbyes in their own way.  My eldest dissolved into floods of tears that didn't stop until she slept that night and my youngest simply sat with the cat, stroking her and telling her she would be ok.

Sooty didn't struggle when I put her in the cat carrier,  she went in quietly which is not like her at all.  I guess a testament to how ill she really was.  My dad came with me, though I knew it would be tough for him, I was glad he did.

The vet and nurse were great, they didn't influence my choice in any way.  They explained everything very gently and respectfully.  I couldn't have asked for more.

When the time came, it hurt like hell.  I am a great believer in euthanasia and the right to choose.  I know Sooty was suffering and if left to die on her own, it would be a slow and painful way to go.  I know it was kinder to end her suffering.

But I hated myself for 'playing god'. I hated that it was me who made the decision.

I wanted to yell out, 'stop I've changed my mind' as the anaesthetic was injected.  It wouldn't have saved her in the long run and it was just me being selfish.

Guess I just didn't want things to change and didn't want to let her go.  Sometimes being an adult really sucks.

I cried and my dad cried with me.  Man, I was so glad he was there.

It's funny, it's only as I get older that I realise what a gentle soul my dad really is.  He's not a talker but he shows it in other ways.

So writing this has made me cry again.  But it feels good to get it out properly.  You should see the pile of tissues I've got next to me.

I feel better now though, thanks for listening xo

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Promises To Keep by Nikki Sex & Zachary J Kitchen

I had the privilege of being a beta reader for this book and this is my review:

Readers you are in for a treat with this little gem!

Nikki has partnered with Zack to create the most wonderful romance.

Both Jack and Laura are very accessible, lovable characters, they both have a practical common sense aspect to their outlook on life and love. This book isn't all hopeless romance and rainbows LOL and that's refreshing.

The military detail is awesome, so interesting and doesn't glamorize war. I also like that it's not too 'military' as in, the Marine doesn't just waltz in and save the day and sweep the girl off her feet. 

The romance / sex is sweet and honest but I like that they're both mature enough to say what they want from each other. The sex isn't too graphic, this isn't erotica but there's plenty of emotion there to keep you in the moment right there with the characters.

I like too that they have a way to go in their relationship, that everything hasn't been tied neatly in a bow. Life isn't like that, happy ever afters don't have to be like that either.

Awesome job Nikki & Zack!

link to amazon  it's 99cents for the next 5 days!

Sunday, October 5, 2014

days like today

I hate them.

Today I feel empty and useless,  I have a million and one things I want to do and can not make myself do any of them.

I am restless and tired all at once.

I miss my boy... he's away for work.  Only for 2 nights but I still miss him.

Here's to tomorrow and the hope that I will feel better because it's not today.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

nothing like a bit of pressure to motivate

it's the middle of school holidays here

my parents arrive in a weeks time for a visit

I have promised my children a Halloween party at the end of the month

I have had a cold / flu thing for almost a couple of weeks now and am STILL trying to shake it

I look around my home and think

WTF happened here!?!

No mid arvo nap for me today, shit just got real

Sunday, September 21, 2014

creature of habit

the pattern I'm seeing in my blog posting is that I only seem to get the urge to do so when I'm feeling down and guess what?

that would be now

In the last month I've been busy, have traveled, met with friends and gone to concerts.  I have had some amazing times, really I have.

And then along comes PMT.  This month it's been a week long catastrophe, I've made mistakes at work (all from not thinking straight) and felt generally down and out.

It also coincides with my beloved being away for work for a few nights, so I'm kid wrangling solo which is usually fine but today everyone had their moment to let loose and it was on like Donkey Kong.  I tried so damn hard to stay calm, ignore the worst of the behaviour and focus on the good but damn it, ya keep poking the bear, well eventually the bear will bite back.

Everyone got sent to their rooms including me.

Things were calmer after that.

Hubby returns home tomorrow thank goodness.  I am feeling super low right now, what I wouldn't give to have him back right this minute.

Here's to happier posts in the future x o

Monday, August 18, 2014

I bought myself a pineapple

of the white ceramic variety.

I've wanted one for ages just because but wasn't prepared to pay $40 for a pineapple at an artsy home decorations store, then on the weekend when I was killing time while Miss 9 was at dancing, I found one in Kmart for $9.

Sold to the lady with nothing better to do than impulse buy hehe.

Still, this pineapple makes me happy and that's a good thing.

My new found zest for decluttering is not at all zesty.

I've done a kitchen drawer and under the sink and thrown a few things out from the bathroom so far.  It's a start but by no means makes my home look or feel any different.  Bummer.

Yesterday was sunny so I weeded the back garden a little.  I managed to fill our garbage bin and decided that would be enough,  it's not done yet but again it's a start.

My book is keeping me awake at night,  I am working on it a little every night, chipping away.  It's grown by about 9K words so far which I find incredible and there's so much more to do.  It might end up being a novel rather than a novella after all.

OK, well gotta go... domestic duties call

Thanks for popping by.  Will check back in soon.  x o x o

Sunday, August 3, 2014

once upon a time

there was a girl who named her blog clutter-bug.

Given that her aim was to declutter her home & life it seemed a very apt name at the time.

As time went by though, the girl discovered decluttering was not all that fun to be honest and went on to comment on & review all the books, TV shows and movies she was currently reading & watching as well as pepper her blog with the odd rant.

That format for blogging fell flat after a while too, the girl got bored and decided a hiatus was in order... to redirect her writing interests and actually write the book she dreamed of writing.

That was great, writing was slow going (and still is) but she was getting somewhere.  Then the great depression came and things turned to crap for the girl.  She felt down and out for the count.

Help came thankfully in the form of therapy, medication and love and things got better.

She continued to write, though at times she wondered if what she does was any good but all in all it didn't matter as it made her happy.

Having come what might be interpreted as 'full circle', the subject of decluttering arose again.  The girl looked around and saw that though she feels better, her home is not a reflection of this.

So maybe it's time to do something about that?

Sunday, July 20, 2014

lots to tell

Kept meaning to pop in and say hi but lots has happened and little time to post about it.

If you are a reader here, it shouldn't surprise you that I start nearly every post with some sort of excuse about my good intentions of blogging more often and my complete failure to do so.  That is me I'm afraid. LOL

So I am editing my book like mad right now.  Well editing as much as I can, life keeps getting in the way and I'm trying hard to discipline myself to allot even a small amount of time each day to work on it.

I got amazing feedback from the lovely author I wrote about last post.  She read my document and had lots of suggestions of how to improve it.  I am uber grateful to have some constructive criticism.  Now my goal is to fiddle with it until I've got it right.

I haven't got very far yet, I've added scenes and re-written some.  Slowly, slowly it's coming together and feels more well rounded.  I wonder how other authors go, how many re-writes are done before the finished product is released.  Reading some blogs of some of my favourite indi authors, they seem to be able to crank out near perfect work first time. (Jealous much Shish?  Hell yes!) Surely it can't be that easy, but good on you if it is.

Anyway, working on my book is making me happy, though when I find I'm not getting the time... it makes for a very crabby Shish.

My depression has been a bit up an down.  I'm not sure if anyone around here notices but I do.  I think they just put it down to me being cranky but it's not just that.  I do crave solitude, I'm a happier, nicer person to be around if I'm allowed some time to myself.  Of course the dreaded PMT has a part to play as well, some months are better than others... again people see this as grumpiness but it's also insecurity, paranoia and some times thoughts of self harm bubbling beneath the surface in varying degrees.

Despite my need for alone time, sometimes I want attention.  I want to be loved in the way I love.  I want to be the one being looked after, being coddled and cherished.  Hell I don't want to always be the one who has to come looking for a cuddle when I want one.  I want to be  pursued once in a while.  This is where depression really bites me in the ass.  Everything feels so much bigger and worse than it really is.

Don't worry, all is well in the land of Shish, really it is.  Guess every now and then, a rant is all I need.

Ok so onwards...
Last week I made a quick trip with my kids interstate for a funeral.  My aunt on my mother's side.  It was a snap decision, I asked work for the time off and was granted it and felt like it was the right thing to do.  You only get one chance to say goodbye.  My kids don't remember my aunt that well but it was school holidays and a good opportunity for them to meet a lot of my extended family and see their grandparents.

It wasn't a bad trip overall.  My parents (especially my dad) really looked after us.  From picking us up at the airport and taking us back to their house (an 8 hour round trip) to paying for everything while we were there, not letting us lift a finger... my dad even did my laundry! Then they drove us back to the city, stayed with us over night and my dad took us to the airport for the early morning flight home.  I told them we didn't mind staying on our own and catching a cab but dad wouldn't hear of it.

My mum needed the support, she hadn't seen her sister for a little while before she passed away. She'd had a cold she'd not wanted to pass on and then hadn't gotten around to driving to see her once she was well.  She wanted to go to the viewing and no one else wanted to go too so I said I would.  I've been to very few funerals before and never to a viewing, I'd rather remember a loved one the way I last saw them or by a favourite memory rather than seeing their empty shell lying in a coffin.

So it wasn't exactly pleasant for me, for some reason I imagined that the morticians did makeup on the deceased so they looked normal (as in alive) but that's not how my aunty looked.  We only stayed a few minutes, my Mum said her goodbyes and cried and I drove her back to another relatives place where my dad and kids were hanging out until we were done.

It got me thinking about morticians and their jobs (of all things!) When I did my diploma in Beauty Therapy, I remember a girl in the course who wanted to do the makeup at a funeral home.  You know what?  They could really do with some skilled therapists.  I don't mean that the people who do it aren't, maybe there are some who are great at it and the person who worked on my aunt wasn't, unfortunately.  What I mean is that, there could be a lot of things done to improve the whole viewing experience.  Introducing soft lighting and music for example.  The makeup could be a hell of a lot more "life like" if you know what I mean, right down to their hands or any other exposed part of the deceased's skin getting the treatment.  My aunty's hands looked awful.

I don't know, I don't think I'd want a viewing for myself.  I don't want people looking at me dead.  But I really felt that my Aunt could have had better.  So that's me thinking out loud.

Ok so I think I've blathered on long enough, thanks for hanging in there if you've stayed this long.  I appreciate it.

Hope life is good to you, take care x o

Friday, June 13, 2014

Post holiday update

since I've returned home from holiday, things have been a bit off.

I caught a cough / cold thing off a guy who sat next to me on the flight home.  Poor guy, he was clearly unwell but I didn't appreciate having to breathe in his germs.

Anyway, I came home to children who had missed me as much as I had them but were intent on displaying just how much in a very different and confronting way.  I swear my youngest hung off my arm and demanded all of my attention for a good 2 weeks.  I was expecting it but that didn't make it any easier to deal with.

Then 2 days after arriving home, Hubby had to fly north for 12 days for work.  The kids were pissed to say the least.  Our eldest sobbed her little heart out and the youngest simply ignored him for a good week or so when he skyped us.

So all of this was happening while I was sick, it was a major downer. Really.  I took a few days off work, I just didn't have the energy to tackle it as well as how needy the kids were.  SO I chose my kids and stayed home, napping while they were at school and trying hard to "be there" for them when we were all together.

Thankfully, now Hubby is home and the kids have settled ( not completely, Little Miss 5 is still busting my chops but it's drastically improved).

Work has been tricky to get back into.  I just don't have the enthusiasm that I once felt for it.  The bully is still there and while personally I am left alone by her, she targets other people and the vibe in the centre isn't good.  And many staff are now questioning why, instead of dealing with the problem person, is management dealing with the problem by shifting staff around ( like me) and making adjustments so we can all tip toe around the bully.  Incidentally, I heard that the bully was complaining about being bullied!  I'm not sure by who, as far as I know everyone simply avoids her where possible.  I admit, I don't bother to greet her anymore unless I need to speak to her directly.  When I do, I'm polite and to the point... no niceties.

That's the sad thing, my work was once a really fun place to be and everyone got along.  Now everyone is on edge.  It sucks.

With all that, I've caught myself thinking about other career choices in random moments.  To be honest, I don't want to leave my job.  The hours work for me; I go to work, I come home, I get paid.  Simple in theory.  But now I feel like I'm having to create a protective shell around me in order to get through my day. Moral is low and the vibe is eroding away all my happys.

My depression has been up and down too.  Not severe but enough to feel not quite right.  Damn PMT is, as always, playing a huge part in this.  I've been left feeling foggy and at times confused (especially at work when it's really important that I'm not foggy or confused!).  It's like having baby brain but without the baby :(

One upside though is recently I was allowed to read and comment on a fab author's new novel before publishing.  It has been a real thrill to be involved in this small way and I'm extremely excited to see the finished product!  This is what has got me through "work wise".  And to be honest is what I'd much rather be doing but bills need paying so Hi Ho, Hi Ho, off to work I go.

My own writing has taken a bit of a back seat, I've not written anything new since my holiday. A lot of the picture has to develop in my head before I can get it down and it's slowly taking shape.  However, the lovely author (see above ;) has given me some tips and suggestions for my first part of the story and I am working on going through it again to polish it up.  Her advice has been invaluable and so very much appreciated.

And that's me for now.  Hope you're all well and doing what makes you happy. Take care x o  :)

Friday, May 16, 2014

Bali Hi!

I promised I'd post and here it is my last full day in beautiful Bali and I am only just getting around to it.  I thought I'd do a lot of writing and reading posting but really when I haven't been out eating in lovely restaurants or drinking in a bar on the beach or shopping, I've been a potato on the couch, mostly watching Asia's version of channel V which is pretty much Asian pop with the odd western boy or girl band tossed into the mix.  It's been fun I assure you!

So we stayed in a villa, a different, smaller one than last year, in Seminyak.  We're close to shopping (every street has countless market stalls, massage places, restaurants and bars), there are minimarts everywhere for essential supplies and taxis drive by every minute or so.

I'm lucky in that Hubby likes to do a lot of research on places before we go so he has somewhat of a plan of what he wants to do when we get to where we're going.  I don't like to research and I'm happy to go along with what he's found out about places.  He knows what I'll like and so far he's never been too far wrong.

Apart from eating in nice places, my favourite thing to do in Bali is go to day spas.  Last year we found one we really liked, it wasn't dirt cheap like the street massage stores, it was more like the day spas we'd find at home but maybe a quarter of the price.  So I have enjoyed quite a few full body Balinese massages and one day I  had a 5 hour treatment which included a massage, body scrub, flower bath, foot spa, facial and hair treatment.  It was divine.  I floated right out of there and into a taxi home to the villa.

We found a Horror themed restaurant which has recently opened, Frankenstien's Laboratory.  It had a house band, The Monsters and a cabaret show with some very talented dancing Zombies.  It was brilliant!  They served cocktails in IV bags and shooters in large syringes.  It was so much fun :)

I also had a tarot reading in a quaint little restaurant that serves High Tea every afternoon.  Because the reading is only for 15 minutes (and is very difficult to book), the reader explained he wanted me to ask a specific question to get the best result in such a short  time span.  So I asked if I was heading in the right direction for my writing.  The short answer is yes, but to keep it as an enjoyable pastime instead of seeking financial gain from it.  Logically I guess anyone sensible would have told me the same thing and here I was paying someone to tell me commonsense but in the end, he said a few quite insightful things and I walked away happy so all good :)

Now I haven't posted any photos here but I invite you to like my little friend Captain Quack Sparrow, who has been travelling with me and Hubby and has his own facebook page full of our photos.  I will help him put up a little more detail on places etc for interests sake as we get a chance. Sadly we had to take down Captain Quack's page, when I get a chance I will pop up a few photos.

Ok so I might get back to my holiday, grab every scrap of relaxation I can before we head home to routines, screeching kids and work, work, work.

Will catch you later x o

Thursday, April 17, 2014

And a Happy Easter to you

just a quick catch up, I see on my little visitor counter thingy that people are stopping by every now and then which is great.  Thank you! I appreciate the visits and wonder why on Earth you might find me at all interesting.  Whatever the reason, I'll take it :)

Things for the most part are good at the moment.  Aside from a slight hiccup which I'm chalking up to an episode of PMT.  My antidepressants still can't completely take away the craziness that winds me up at "that time of the month".  Sorry, it sounds a bit crude.  I'm amazed at how my body can turn me into a ticking time bomb just by altering a little chemistry.  I will admit the PMT isn't as bad as before, or maybe I'm handling it better? I really don't know but it is better than the pre-antidepressant me.  Everything I used to go through is far more subdued, still there but not nearly as bad.

OK so good things going on for me...

I have lost a little weight.  Yay! I needed to, really I did.  And I will be happy to lose more but slowly.  Right now I'm averaging about 1kg a month.  I tried low calorie shakes and they got me kick started but with my work hours the way they are and family and the fact that I love food made it tricky to keep going like that.  So now I'm just cutting back and thinking about what I'm eating more seriously.  It's working for me and Hubby.

Work is good, the bully is still there but I'm not being affected as I'm in a different section and have been putting all of my training into practice now.  It is challenging but I'm doing ok.

Last weekend I finished the second draft of my book.  I'm starting to wonder if it's not long enough but I felt like I had to finish on a high exciting note that would lead into the next in the series otherwise it was going to be a really long story.  I've sent it to a couple of trusted friends to get their feedback and then I guess it's onto the third draft.  Some days I look at what I've done and think yeah this isn't bad at all then other days I find myself thinking what an amateurish piece of crap.  I hope one day it might be ready to stick on Amazon but I don't know.  It's been fun to write in any case.

So this weekend is Easter.  I love Easter!  More so for the food than anything else.  Chocolate for breakfast! ;)  Good Friday falls on my wedding anniversary this year, most restaurants etc will be closed for the day which is a bummer but Hubby is cooking me a special dinner.  He's a great cook but doesn't cook often anymore.  We have no real plan other than that for the day, the kids are going to their grandparents for the night so we will be free to do whatever we like.  Even if it is just veg out on the couch and catch up on movies.

The rest of the weekend will be spent with family and friends and should be lovely.

Then in a months time, Hubby and I are going to Bali for a grown up holiday.  It's kind of for my 40th birthday.  We've picked out some lovely restaurants and day spas to go to and have booked a private villa to stay in so we can relax by the pool without having to share with anyone else.  This time around I hope to post while I'm over there, even if it's just photos to keep you up to date and show you how nice it is.

And that's me for now, hope the Easter Bunny leaves you a treat x o

Friday, March 21, 2014

keep on truckin'

so, I have continued to go to work and am pleased to say things are bearable for me at the moment.  My boss asked if I was ready to do some training to give me more skills and therefore can work in different areas as need be and I agreed maybe it was time.

So off I went into the city to the training school.  It meant my kids had to stay over at their Grandparents for much of the week.  I didn't want to put them in before school day care by 6:30am every morning and then pick them up late in the day as well.  I am very lucky the grandies are so helpful in that respect. 

The training was overwhelming, so much information to take in and I put a lot of pressure on myself to get it right the first time.  I made the mistake of trying to keep up with the other student in the class, she was straight out of uni and could speed read while absorbing everything and finished everything way before I did.  By the third day, I'd had a little cry in the car before I got there.  My hubby was driving me in every morning which was great, I was a bundle of nerves and wouldn't have coped well on the train.  He kept reminding me that I was being too hard on myself and I am VERY hard on myself.  Wonder Woman I am not!

But I got through and went back to work the following day, they put me on the front counter to practice my new skills and it was great.  So much easier than in the classroom.  And it kept me away from the bully. 

Before I went to training school I started to wear a uniform shirt that one of the girls had given me to try for size.  I had been putting off ordering my uniform for 4 months and felt weird wearing it for the first time but then I realised I was sending the bully a message that I wasn't going anywhere.  That motivated me enough to put my order in and I should have that next week.

So the bully herself doesn't seem to have changed except that the focus isn't solely on me now.  She will not acknowledge me even if we are working side by side, she is aggressive and grumbly to everyone now and though that is not good, I can handle that much better.

The workplace is not the lovely place it once was but I have decided I am not giving in and am NOT giving up my lovely little job because of one person.

In other news, I am almost finished the first draft of my book.  I finally got to a point where I think it can end and then begin again in another volume.  There is a little more I have to add to it, stuff that brings the theme of it together better and more completely.  Then I guess I will run through it for touch ups and hopefully get some people to read it for feedback.  It's pretty exciting and daunting to be this much closer to showing my work to other people.  Only one friend has read any of it so far and she has been great at giving valuable feedback.  Will let you know how it all goes.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Situation update

Time for an update after my meeting with my managers.

I would like to say it went wonderfully and I walked out full of confidence that action would be taken to stop the bullying.  The thing is it didn't quite play out like that.

Maybe I was expecting more than what could actually be done? To be honest I didn't really know what could be done but I walked out with the feeling that the staffer was essentially going to get away with it.

There is more grey to the picture that I though was black and white and the person's behaviour is not so bad that they cross the line.  They remain on the pain in the arse category.

However the person was pulled aside and spoken to that day.  They had the cheek to ask to go home early that day because they were so upset.  The day was uncomfortable and I just put me head down and worked.

The next day, my plan was to do the same.  I had tasks to do that took me away from stuff we all do together and we had more than enough staff so I got on with it.  That didn't stop the person from making snippy comments all day. Some I think weren't meant for me to hear but I did.

I wrote it all down and told manager who advised me to keep a record and don't bite back.
Then on my last day of the working week I went in wearing a uniform shirt that another colleague had given me,  I have been slack in organising my uniform order and she hoped that the shirt might give me an idea of sizing and I would pull my finger out and do it.

I was glad I did wear it (even though it was a little big), once I got to work it made me feel a real part of the centre and like I was showing the bully that I have no intention of going anywhere.  Then my manager told me she had a training day set up for me to learn more of the front office stuff.  They want multi-skilled staff and after all the crap I've been dealing with I figure the change would be healthy for me.  I will still do what I do now but when the office needs me to, I can fill in for other staff members. 

Now that meant that my manager wanted me to get as much exposure to the front office computer as possible before then so I asked if she could let the people I work closely with know so there was no confusion as to why I'm not out there with them.  Guess that peeved the bully off no end, they huffed about.  Apparently they were angry at everyone and everyone was doing everything wrong.

So the focus was off me and that was a huge relief.  It doesn't solve the problem, now the aggression is being transferred to all the staff but I find myself coping a lot better.

I will just keeping doing what I'm doing, head down and work.  It's all I can do I guess.

Will let you know how things pan out from here.  Thanks for listening x o

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

D Day

ok so things have gone from bad to worse for me at work.  Last Wednesday my anxiety was at an all time high, I felt nauseous the whole time I was there and I couldn't think straight.  I looked for every task under the sun to get me away from my nasty colleague.

Thursday, I physically couldn't bring myself to go into work.  I made a doctor's appointment and rang my boss.  I felt horribly guilty as I knew I was leaving them short staffed.  My boss understood and we've organised to meet with the big boss today.  My doctor agreed this was the right thing to do, I'm only causing myself further damage by trying to work through it by myself.

So that's where I'm at, I'm trying hard not to work myself up into knots before I go and I'm failing miserably.  I didn't sleep well last night either.  I have the sinking feeling that there's going to be more stress before this improves.

Cross your fingers and toes for me.  I need all the good vibes and positivity I can get x o

Thursday, February 20, 2014

i spoke too soon

silly me.

I wrote my post and headed off to work only to have the WORST day possible, seriously. I cried at work much to my embarrassment.

Same problem, co-worker seems to be targeting me.  This time over something that I used my best judgement in as opposed to following the usual protocol (and was backed up by my manager).  The co-worker let me have it even though they have no authority over me, in fact I have been in this particular role longer than they have. Mind you, I don't consider that I am the boss.  That's not me.  I have no intention or aspirations to become any sort of a leader in my workplace.

To be honest, now I don't want to go into work but I'm forcing myself.  The manager knows what's going on and is taking steps to help but in the meantime I am working myself up into a state about it.  When I look back at yesterday, I was already upset before I even got into work by the co-worker's previous actions... I barely remember the drive to work, I was so pre-occupied. 

There is always an undercurrent of animosity.  It's just awful.

Wish me luck for today, once I get through today then I am not back at work until next Tuesday, which will be a relief and hopefully give me time to regroup a little and work time to sort this person out. (Though that's what I told myself last week too :/ )

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

mostly positive

for the most part things are still going well for me, I've really gotten stuck into writing again... with the winter olympics on it is the perfect opportunity to disappear while Hubby watches the sport. And I'm hoping to get the first part of it finished this year.  W00T!!!

School routines etc are all back and running reasonably smoothly. Yay!


My lovely little job has not been so lovely in recent weeks.  One particular person has been making it difficult for me, my manager is aware of it... the initial issue has been resolved.  It was made clear that what I was doing was correct and the other person needed to butt out but their animosity towards me still remains.

I liked this person until they started to prevent me from doing my job correctly.  As a human being they are one of the good ones.  Why they are acting like this, I have no idea but it affects me, not in my ability to do my work but how I feel.

The pain I feel in my shoulder I experience when I'm anxious has returned and I spend a lot of time trying to avoid contact with this person... which is virtually impossible when we are work the same area.

But I'm trying hard and recognise that my feelings of depression and anxiety returning are part this silly issue and part hormonal.  So hopefully once the hormonal part has subsided, the rest will be easier to deal with and fingers crossed with time, work will return to being lovely again.

thanks for listening x

Monday, February 10, 2014

I'm here and I'm OK :)

In case you were wondering, I'm still about.

I survived Christmas and New Years, in fact they turned out to be rather lovely.  I turned 40 last month and celebrated with a 1920s / Great Gatsby themed party. 

It was rather overwhelming, not because I'm you know... eeep!  40!  But because I got a real sense that so many people were there solely for me!  I was amazed and humbled and I still ask myself did that actually happen?  Am I really special enough?

My depression has settled a great deal,  still have difficult moments but nothing as crippling as before.  I asked my doctor what was the next step for me and he said maybe in 6 weeks or so we could look at reducing my dose.  This made me really excited but also a tad scared, as much as I want to get off them I'm afraid of going backwards.  I guess it's all a bit "wait and see" at the moment and I can do that.

I had dinner with a friend the other night who asked about what 2014 held in store for me.  "Work, my book, another holiday to Bali," I replied, not really following her.

"No, I mean what about you," she said, "I talked to a lot of people at your party and you are surrounded by people who are depressed."

I guess I am, a lot of crappy things have or are happening to people close to me.  Not a lot I can do about it except support them as best I can.

"You need to surround yourself with happiness," my friend insisted.

And I guess I do,  I need to be kinder to myself and create happy moments for myself and my family.  So if I were to make a New Years resolution, which is something I'm not really into, it would be that.

I'll report back later x o