Thursday, February 20, 2014

i spoke too soon

silly me.

I wrote my post and headed off to work only to have the WORST day possible, seriously. I cried at work much to my embarrassment.

Same problem, co-worker seems to be targeting me.  This time over something that I used my best judgement in as opposed to following the usual protocol (and was backed up by my manager).  The co-worker let me have it even though they have no authority over me, in fact I have been in this particular role longer than they have. Mind you, I don't consider that I am the boss.  That's not me.  I have no intention or aspirations to become any sort of a leader in my workplace.

To be honest, now I don't want to go into work but I'm forcing myself.  The manager knows what's going on and is taking steps to help but in the meantime I am working myself up into a state about it.  When I look back at yesterday, I was already upset before I even got into work by the co-worker's previous actions... I barely remember the drive to work, I was so pre-occupied. 

There is always an undercurrent of animosity.  It's just awful.

Wish me luck for today, once I get through today then I am not back at work until next Tuesday, which will be a relief and hopefully give me time to regroup a little and work time to sort this person out. (Though that's what I told myself last week too :/ )

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

mostly positive

for the most part things are still going well for me, I've really gotten stuck into writing again... with the winter olympics on it is the perfect opportunity to disappear while Hubby watches the sport. And I'm hoping to get the first part of it finished this year.  W00T!!!

School routines etc are all back and running reasonably smoothly. Yay!


My lovely little job has not been so lovely in recent weeks.  One particular person has been making it difficult for me, my manager is aware of it... the initial issue has been resolved.  It was made clear that what I was doing was correct and the other person needed to butt out but their animosity towards me still remains.

I liked this person until they started to prevent me from doing my job correctly.  As a human being they are one of the good ones.  Why they are acting like this, I have no idea but it affects me, not in my ability to do my work but how I feel.

The pain I feel in my shoulder I experience when I'm anxious has returned and I spend a lot of time trying to avoid contact with this person... which is virtually impossible when we are work the same area.

But I'm trying hard and recognise that my feelings of depression and anxiety returning are part this silly issue and part hormonal.  So hopefully once the hormonal part has subsided, the rest will be easier to deal with and fingers crossed with time, work will return to being lovely again.

thanks for listening x

Monday, February 10, 2014

I'm here and I'm OK :)

In case you were wondering, I'm still about.

I survived Christmas and New Years, in fact they turned out to be rather lovely.  I turned 40 last month and celebrated with a 1920s / Great Gatsby themed party. 

It was rather overwhelming, not because I'm you know... eeep!  40!  But because I got a real sense that so many people were there solely for me!  I was amazed and humbled and I still ask myself did that actually happen?  Am I really special enough?

My depression has settled a great deal,  still have difficult moments but nothing as crippling as before.  I asked my doctor what was the next step for me and he said maybe in 6 weeks or so we could look at reducing my dose.  This made me really excited but also a tad scared, as much as I want to get off them I'm afraid of going backwards.  I guess it's all a bit "wait and see" at the moment and I can do that.

I had dinner with a friend the other night who asked about what 2014 held in store for me.  "Work, my book, another holiday to Bali," I replied, not really following her.

"No, I mean what about you," she said, "I talked to a lot of people at your party and you are surrounded by people who are depressed."

I guess I am, a lot of crappy things have or are happening to people close to me.  Not a lot I can do about it except support them as best I can.

"You need to surround yourself with happiness," my friend insisted.

And I guess I do,  I need to be kinder to myself and create happy moments for myself and my family.  So if I were to make a New Years resolution, which is something I'm not really into, it would be that.

I'll report back later x o