Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I hate coming up with blog post titles

Ah so last we met, I was cranky with the fam and I'm happy to report that things have improved.  It boiled down to me having to create a list of chores I expected other people other than myself to do in the house.

It's not completely fool proof, I do have to get used to them doing things in their own time rather than mine.  But for the most part things are getting done.

Other things have been happening too.... exciting things!

Hubby and I have finally decided it's time to move.  We need a bigger place, somewhere we can settle down, the kids can grow up into teens and I imagine still live with us for a time as young adults.  I'm ok with this, I think it's naive to think they will move out at age 18 like I pretty much did to go to uni.  Life was tough, trying to juggle studying and living independently. I was often a tad jealous of other students who lived at home still and were basically "looked after" so all they had to worry about was their studies. I want better for my kids.

Anyway, seeing a beautiful house got the ball rolling for us.  We missed out on that house but it's got us moving in the right direction.  We have the option of buying an established house or building (there is a lovely new estate in our suburb), still not sure what we'll do yet.

And we've made a move on fixing all the little things around our place... makes me wonder why the hell did we leave them so long.  The perils of "making do" and procrastination.

So it won't all happen overnight... technically even now I should be doing "house stuff" not fiddling about on the computer but hey, I run on Shish time.

What else?  Well, work is up and down.  They're trialing a new roster which works better for me as of next week.  I hope they keep it.  The bully was civil to me yesterday, she wasn't going to speak to me but since the person she was waiting for was busy, I asked if she needed help and turns out I could help her so I did.  Not really a big deal but it's progress.  I don't want to be her friend or anything but I'm just sick of being in the same centre and feeling like we can't be professional when our paths cross (which is rare now but still.)

We have another staff member who also causes a bit of grief.  He's a good guy, but when it comes to work, he doesn't have the same work ethic as the rest of us so it grates on everyone's nerves.  The more senior staff get cranky because they have to stay on his case and that ruins the whole mood for the office.  I'm fed up too, more so because of the effect it's had on our team's moral.  I feel bad, he's a cool guy. Outside of work, it would be a different story but he's not someone I want to work with.

I guess it's because things are revving up at work because of Christmas that it feels worse than ever now.  We're all tired, the pressure is on and we can't pick up the slack of one team member who is still goofing around.

OK enough of work.  I try not to think about it too much when I'm not there... (except for now when I'm telling you LOL)

I seem to be going ok off my meds but I can't tell you for sure if I'm doing well.  I don't have the huge anxiety I had before so that's good.  But I have my moments where I'm irritable... but who isn't at times right?  Like I said in my last post, I felt like I was being treated like a doormat but the meds were keeping me calm (maybe too calm) so nothing was being changed.  I'm more motivated now ( a good thing) but in order to get things done, I need to kick a few butts sometimes.  My kids are not impressed as I'm on their cases more but they've had it so easy for so long!

Again this time of year plays a huge role in how I (and everyone else) feels.  Guess we all need to just push through until we reach the other side.

Having said that, hayfever has made me her bitch.  This time of year here in Perth is awful for it.  The wildflowers are out in force, the weather has been humid and muggy and then windy.  All of which messes with my sinuses.  I went to my doc yesterday because I haven't felt "well" for a while now but not sick enough to take time off work.  It's worrying, I'm terrible for imagining all sorts of awful things that might be wrong.  He's given me some stuff to help with my hayfever and taken a blood test for thyroid... we'll see what that has to say.  Maybe I just want to be the one to be looked after by someone else for a change? Being fussed over a little would be nice every now and then, I don't think that's being terribly selfish... right?  Ha!

With all this other stuff happening, I've done little to no writing of my own, nor have I done any beta-reading.  Not enough hours in the day nor enough energy in this little body I'm afraid.  My mind has just not been in the right space and I hate that. I hate not being able to be "creative me" for whatever reason.

Shall try to find more balance in what I do... maybe that should be my New Year's Resolution  but bring it forward... why procrastinate till January right?

LOL I crack myself up.  I suck at resolutions.

Well if you got this far with my post, well done and thankyou.  Have just read it back and thought WTF? myself. Love ya & Bye x

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

dummy spit / rant

this morning I spat the dummy (Australian for pacifier US peeps), meaning I lost my sh!t completely with the fam.  Where it landed is where I firmly draw my line in the sand.

I love them all dearly but for the love of Frank, I have become their doormat.

Just this week, I ended my course of antidepressants.  Yay me!  I'll admit, I'm suffering from a bit of anxiety and irritability... maybe due to the withdrawal or maybe because I feel like while I was doing everyone a "favour" by taking them, remaining reasonably calm and going with the flow, I was also allowing them to walk all over me.

All for the sake of preserving the peace.

I just took a week holiday from work and spent it working hard around the house.  Weeding, cleaning and prepping for the kids' Halloween party.  Everything looked really good and the party was awesome.

My hubby did step in and help decorate and clean up.  I'll give him his due.

But in day to day life, I feel like I'm the only one pulling my weight around here.  OK so I don't have a full time paying job but with no one else helping out at home, I don't have ANY spare time to spend on me.  I want to write but carrying the full load of responsibility at home has sapped my motivation and energy.  I don't have TIME,  let alone the SPACE or PEACE to write.

I'm too busy picking up after kids and cooking dinners, my husband is a great cook and yet he doesn't ever do it.  My laundry load is never ending, there is never a time when there are no dirty dishes in the sink. AND we have a dishwasher FFS!  My 6 year old expects me to dress her if she whines long enough.  There are so many things they are all capable of doing but refuse to do because "good ole Mum will, all you have to do it leave it long enough".

Not any more.

I gave them all an ultimatum this morning; start doing the little things or I'll stop doing the big things.