thought for the day

I had a massage yesterday.  It's something I don't do often enough for myself.

The lady I see is a little alternative, for lack of a better word but I like her.  She gives an awesome remedial type massage but there is a spiritual aspect to what she does. 

When she works on you, your body tells her where to go next... that's sounds a bit weird I know but it works for me.  I end up getting what I need rather than what I think I need, usually it's not about the physical side of things.

And I always come away with something to think about.  This time what she told me really resonated with what is going on with my life.

She spoke about an incident in her life which I knew about before but what had changed was her perspective.  Her interpretation of the event as a child had created lifelong issues and recently she spoke to the person involved to finally ask why.  The answer turned out to be the complete opposite to what she had told herself all her life and gave her freedom from the bonds she'd created for herself.

It made me think about things that have happened in my life and question the message I'm sending myself.

By no means am I saying that this can be applied to everything or everyone.  There are incidences that can not be forgiven or forgotten by changing ones perspective but the things that came to the forefront of my mind when I spoke to my massage lady are things I think I can work on.

Wish me luck x

checking in

I find myself apologising a lot for my lengthy absences here and again I am sorry.

Recently, I faced my own truth and admitted that I have been struggling and needed help with depression.  If I am really honest, I have struggled in some form or severity for a long, long time. 

My moods and issues were affecting my relationships with the ones I love most so negatively.  Part of what made me go back to my doctor finally, was seeing how much medication had helped my darling Hubby and wanting that kind of improvement for myself as well as my family.

Now that I've acknowledged I am part of the problem, I hope to become part of the solution.

My first steps haven't been easy, taking my anti-depressant for the first time broke my heart.  For me it felt like admitting to my failure to cope.  I know there are lovely pictures floating about the internet saying that depression is a sign of staying strong for too long which is all well and good but you know what? In the harsh light of day, it's not the message you send yourself.  I've never felt more vulnerable and weak.

The medication is slowly starting to take effect, I have good days as well as not so good ones.  To be expected I imagine but for the most part I'm feeling pretty apathetic.  I feel like I'm existing most of the time rather than living.  I get the basic stuff done at home to keep the family running but I don't have it in me to go the extra mile. 

My biggest disappointment is that my sense of creativity and motivation to write has gone dormant.  It is only in the last few days that I've felt like looking at my book and when I've worked on it, it has only been to edit and iron out the kinks in the storyline.  I hope that as I improve, my writing mojo will come back.  I miss my characters.

And so my blogging has gone by the wayside as well.  I do fully intend to get back to doing more posts on Bali but I can't promise when that will be.

Thanks to those of you who have popped in every now and then.  I do appreciate your visits and feel free to drop me a note in my inbox or comment. I will reply

x o