Wednesday, November 5, 2014

dummy spit / rant

this morning I spat the dummy (Australian for pacifier US peeps), meaning I lost my sh!t completely with the fam.  Where it landed is where I firmly draw my line in the sand.

I love them all dearly but for the love of Frank, I have become their doormat.

Just this week, I ended my course of antidepressants.  Yay me!  I'll admit, I'm suffering from a bit of anxiety and irritability... maybe due to the withdrawal or maybe because I feel like while I was doing everyone a "favour" by taking them, remaining reasonably calm and going with the flow, I was also allowing them to walk all over me.

All for the sake of preserving the peace.

I just took a week holiday from work and spent it working hard around the house.  Weeding, cleaning and prepping for the kids' Halloween party.  Everything looked really good and the party was awesome.

My hubby did step in and help decorate and clean up.  I'll give him his due.

But in day to day life, I feel like I'm the only one pulling my weight around here.  OK so I don't have a full time paying job but with no one else helping out at home, I don't have ANY spare time to spend on me.  I want to write but carrying the full load of responsibility at home has sapped my motivation and energy.  I don't have TIME,  let alone the SPACE or PEACE to write.

I'm too busy picking up after kids and cooking dinners, my husband is a great cook and yet he doesn't ever do it.  My laundry load is never ending, there is never a time when there are no dirty dishes in the sink. AND we have a dishwasher FFS!  My 6 year old expects me to dress her if she whines long enough.  There are so many things they are all capable of doing but refuse to do because "good ole Mum will, all you have to do it leave it long enough".

Not any more.

I gave them all an ultimatum this morning; start doing the little things or I'll stop doing the big things.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

wish me luck

I woke up the other morning feeling ready for a change.

I've been wondering for a while whether I would be ok if I discontinued my antidepressants.  Part of me is really scared that I might not cope.  Another part of me knows that there are significant benefits to not being on them.

I came to the point where I knew I had to try, so I asked my doctor and he was fine with it.  There shouldn't be many if any side effects from stopping, providing I do it gradually.

The only thing is that I may go back to how I was before.  I'm willing to risk that because I know I'm in a better place than before.  I definitely know myself a hell of a lot better and I have learned a lot about relationships over the past 15 months since I started taking it.

I think I have the tools to cope with things as they pop up in life and I know if everything gets on top of me again I can ask for help.

So wish me luck as I take my first baby steps :-)


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

mixed feelings: a little progress and some sadness

you know what?

I hate to clean and I hate to garden but there is something to be said for the good feeling you get when you look at the clean house or the weeded garden and it looks great and you think "yeah, I did that!"

Before my parents arrived I really got stuck in and cleaned my house, ok the kids bedrooms were NOT tidy (and for the record mine wasn't either but nowhere near as bad as my 2 cherubs) but the rest of the house looked great.

And I've done most of the weeding in the front garden.  It's by no means perfect, the weeds will return and I was loathe to spray in case I killed all my neglected plants that somehow survive in spite of me.  However it does not look like the jungle that it grew into over winter.

My backyard still needs a LOT of work.  I've got a couple of weeks before the kids' party so that's my next focus (as well as trying to maintain my tidy house.... we'll see how that pans out :/  )

Anyway I'm feeling a bit proud.

And now on another topic and a sad one at that...

I had to make the tough decision to have one of my cats euthanased this week.  Sooty was almost 14 years old. My husband gave her to me when she was a kitten for Christmas in 2000.  I told him (joking a little) that I wanted a grey cat with a white shirt front and white socks.  He scoured the city until he found one and drove an hour across the city to get her.  Sooty had a crooked tail, it looked as though it had been shut in a door when she was weeks old.  There was little we could do to fix it but it didn't seem to bother her so we left it at that.

Sooty and I did not always see eye to eye, mostly because she always seemed to want to compete with me to be the alpha female in the family.  We eventually agreed to disagree I think and since she was never a snuggly sit on your lap kind of cat, we kind of just let each other have our own space with the occasional leg smooch and daily "feed me and I'll love you forever" request.

My poor old girl really started to look ill a while back.  For a long time she was skinny but then you could start to tell she wasn't grooming like she used to and she wasn't as feisty... she would always give the other 2 cats a swat every now and then just to keep them in line but really a hiss or a look from her was all it usually took.  That all changed and she would just sit at our feet, tucked away under the computer desk.

It seemed she wanted the company but didn't want to be bothered too much.

This week she became very weak in her back legs.  My hubby is out of town for work but my parents were here visiting.  I told the kids Sooty needed to go to the vets and she probably wouldn't come home again.  They both said their goodbyes in their own way.  My eldest dissolved into floods of tears that didn't stop until she slept that night and my youngest simply sat with the cat, stroking her and telling her she would be ok.

Sooty didn't struggle when I put her in the cat carrier,  she went in quietly which is not like her at all.  I guess a testament to how ill she really was.  My dad came with me, though I knew it would be tough for him, I was glad he did.

The vet and nurse were great, they didn't influence my choice in any way.  They explained everything very gently and respectfully.  I couldn't have asked for more.

When the time came, it hurt like hell.  I am a great believer in euthanasia and the right to choose.  I know Sooty was suffering and if left to die on her own, it would be a slow and painful way to go.  I know it was kinder to end her suffering.

But I hated myself for 'playing god'. I hated that it was me who made the decision.

I wanted to yell out, 'stop I've changed my mind' as the anaesthetic was injected.  It wouldn't have saved her in the long run and it was just me being selfish.

Guess I just didn't want things to change and didn't want to let her go.  Sometimes being an adult really sucks.

I cried and my dad cried with me.  Man, I was so glad he was there.

It's funny, it's only as I get older that I realise what a gentle soul my dad really is.  He's not a talker but he shows it in other ways.

So writing this has made me cry again.  But it feels good to get it out properly.  You should see the pile of tissues I've got next to me.

I feel better now though, thanks for listening xo

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Promises To Keep by Nikki Sex & Zachary J Kitchen



I had the privilege of being a beta reader for this book and this is my review:


Readers you are in for a treat with this little gem!

Nikki has partnered with Zack to create the most wonderful romance.

Both Jack and Laura are very accessible, lovable characters, they both have a practical common sense aspect to their outlook on life and love. This book isn't all hopeless romance and rainbows LOL and that's refreshing.

The military detail is awesome, so interesting and doesn't glamorize war. I also like that it's not too 'military' as in, the Marine doesn't just waltz in and save the day and sweep the girl off her feet. 

The romance / sex is sweet and honest but I like that they're both mature enough to say what they want from each other. The sex isn't too graphic, this isn't erotica but there's plenty of emotion there to keep you in the moment right there with the characters.

I like too that they have a way to go in their relationship, that everything hasn't been tied neatly in a bow. Life isn't like that, happy ever afters don't have to be like that either.

Awesome job Nikki & Zack!


link to amazon  it's 99cents for the next 5 days!


Sunday, October 5, 2014

days like today

I hate them.

Today I feel empty and useless,  I have a million and one things I want to do and can not make myself do any of them.

I am restless and tired all at once.

I miss my boy... he's away for work.  Only for 2 nights but I still miss him.

Here's to tomorrow and the hope that I will feel better because it's not today.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

nothing like a bit of pressure to motivate

it's the middle of school holidays here

my parents arrive in a weeks time for a visit

I have promised my children a Halloween party at the end of the month

I have had a cold / flu thing for almost a couple of weeks now and am STILL trying to shake it

I look around my home and think

WTF happened here!?!

No mid arvo nap for me today, shit just got real