Wednesday, December 17, 2014

passing through

another quick one to touch base

getting our house ready for sale is more than I can cope with... not just right now but ever.  at least that's how it feels today.  the task seems so huge and overwhelming and I crumble at the thought rather than take things on one job at a time like I know I should.

we've had some help, which we're eternally grateful for and still the job seems so big.

if I had the dollars I'd get professionals in to sort it out for me, seriously I am no good at this type of thing.

Christmas is not the time of year to be taking on this sort of crazy,  what were we thinking????

Monday, December 1, 2014

a bad day

having a rotten day today peeps, feeling really down and overwhelmed and basically crap

went grocery shopping and bought an insane amount of comfort food... I knew I was doing it and that I shouldn't but I did it anyway.

Gah! I hate days like today :(

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I hate coming up with blog post titles

Ah so last we met, I was cranky with the fam and I'm happy to report that things have improved.  It boiled down to me having to create a list of chores I expected other people other than myself to do in the house.

It's not completely fool proof, I do have to get used to them doing things in their own time rather than mine.  But for the most part things are getting done.

Other things have been happening too.... exciting things!

Hubby and I have finally decided it's time to move.  We need a bigger place, somewhere we can settle down, the kids can grow up into teens and I imagine still live with us for a time as young adults.  I'm ok with this, I think it's naive to think they will move out at age 18 like I pretty much did to go to uni.  Life was tough, trying to juggle studying and living independently. I was often a tad jealous of other students who lived at home still and were basically "looked after" so all they had to worry about was their studies. I want better for my kids.

Anyway, seeing a beautiful house got the ball rolling for us.  We missed out on that house but it's got us moving in the right direction.  We have the option of buying an established house or building (there is a lovely new estate in our suburb), still not sure what we'll do yet.

And we've made a move on fixing all the little things around our place... makes me wonder why the hell did we leave them so long.  The perils of "making do" and procrastination.

So it won't all happen overnight... technically even now I should be doing "house stuff" not fiddling about on the computer but hey, I run on Shish time.

What else?  Well, work is up and down.  They're trialing a new roster which works better for me as of next week.  I hope they keep it.  The bully was civil to me yesterday, she wasn't going to speak to me but since the person she was waiting for was busy, I asked if she needed help and turns out I could help her so I did.  Not really a big deal but it's progress.  I don't want to be her friend or anything but I'm just sick of being in the same centre and feeling like we can't be professional when our paths cross (which is rare now but still.)

We have another staff member who also causes a bit of grief.  He's a good guy, but when it comes to work, he doesn't have the same work ethic as the rest of us so it grates on everyone's nerves.  The more senior staff get cranky because they have to stay on his case and that ruins the whole mood for the office.  I'm fed up too, more so because of the effect it's had on our team's moral.  I feel bad, he's a cool guy. Outside of work, it would be a different story but he's not someone I want to work with.

I guess it's because things are revving up at work because of Christmas that it feels worse than ever now.  We're all tired, the pressure is on and we can't pick up the slack of one team member who is still goofing around.

OK enough of work.  I try not to think about it too much when I'm not there... (except for now when I'm telling you LOL)

I seem to be going ok off my meds but I can't tell you for sure if I'm doing well.  I don't have the huge anxiety I had before so that's good.  But I have my moments where I'm irritable... but who isn't at times right?  Like I said in my last post, I felt like I was being treated like a doormat but the meds were keeping me calm (maybe too calm) so nothing was being changed.  I'm more motivated now ( a good thing) but in order to get things done, I need to kick a few butts sometimes.  My kids are not impressed as I'm on their cases more but they've had it so easy for so long!

Again this time of year plays a huge role in how I (and everyone else) feels.  Guess we all need to just push through until we reach the other side.

Having said that, hayfever has made me her bitch.  This time of year here in Perth is awful for it.  The wildflowers are out in force, the weather has been humid and muggy and then windy.  All of which messes with my sinuses.  I went to my doc yesterday because I haven't felt "well" for a while now but not sick enough to take time off work.  It's worrying, I'm terrible for imagining all sorts of awful things that might be wrong.  He's given me some stuff to help with my hayfever and taken a blood test for thyroid... we'll see what that has to say.  Maybe I just want to be the one to be looked after by someone else for a change? Being fussed over a little would be nice every now and then, I don't think that's being terribly selfish... right?  Ha!

With all this other stuff happening, I've done little to no writing of my own, nor have I done any beta-reading.  Not enough hours in the day nor enough energy in this little body I'm afraid.  My mind has just not been in the right space and I hate that. I hate not being able to be "creative me" for whatever reason.

Shall try to find more balance in what I do... maybe that should be my New Year's Resolution  but bring it forward... why procrastinate till January right?

LOL I crack myself up.  I suck at resolutions.

Well if you got this far with my post, well done and thankyou.  Have just read it back and thought WTF? myself. Love ya & Bye x

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

dummy spit / rant

this morning I spat the dummy (Australian for pacifier US peeps), meaning I lost my sh!t completely with the fam.  Where it landed is where I firmly draw my line in the sand.

I love them all dearly but for the love of Frank, I have become their doormat.

Just this week, I ended my course of antidepressants.  Yay me!  I'll admit, I'm suffering from a bit of anxiety and irritability... maybe due to the withdrawal or maybe because I feel like while I was doing everyone a "favour" by taking them, remaining reasonably calm and going with the flow, I was also allowing them to walk all over me.

All for the sake of preserving the peace.

I just took a week holiday from work and spent it working hard around the house.  Weeding, cleaning and prepping for the kids' Halloween party.  Everything looked really good and the party was awesome.

My hubby did step in and help decorate and clean up.  I'll give him his due.

But in day to day life, I feel like I'm the only one pulling my weight around here.  OK so I don't have a full time paying job but with no one else helping out at home, I don't have ANY spare time to spend on me.  I want to write but carrying the full load of responsibility at home has sapped my motivation and energy.  I don't have TIME,  let alone the SPACE or PEACE to write.

I'm too busy picking up after kids and cooking dinners, my husband is a great cook and yet he doesn't ever do it.  My laundry load is never ending, there is never a time when there are no dirty dishes in the sink. AND we have a dishwasher FFS!  My 6 year old expects me to dress her if she whines long enough.  There are so many things they are all capable of doing but refuse to do because "good ole Mum will, all you have to do it leave it long enough".

Not any more.

I gave them all an ultimatum this morning; start doing the little things or I'll stop doing the big things.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

wish me luck

I woke up the other morning feeling ready for a change.

I've been wondering for a while whether I would be ok if I discontinued my antidepressants.  Part of me is really scared that I might not cope.  Another part of me knows that there are significant benefits to not being on them.

I came to the point where I knew I had to try, so I asked my doctor and he was fine with it.  There shouldn't be many if any side effects from stopping, providing I do it gradually.

The only thing is that I may go back to how I was before.  I'm willing to risk that because I know I'm in a better place than before.  I definitely know myself a hell of a lot better and I have learned a lot about relationships over the past 15 months since I started taking it.

I think I have the tools to cope with things as they pop up in life and I know if everything gets on top of me again I can ask for help.

So wish me luck as I take my first baby steps :-)

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

mixed feelings: a little progress and some sadness

you know what?

I hate to clean and I hate to garden but there is something to be said for the good feeling you get when you look at the clean house or the weeded garden and it looks great and you think "yeah, I did that!"

Before my parents arrived I really got stuck in and cleaned my house, ok the kids bedrooms were NOT tidy (and for the record mine wasn't either but nowhere near as bad as my 2 cherubs) but the rest of the house looked great.

And I've done most of the weeding in the front garden.  It's by no means perfect, the weeds will return and I was loathe to spray in case I killed all my neglected plants that somehow survive in spite of me.  However it does not look like the jungle that it grew into over winter.

My backyard still needs a LOT of work.  I've got a couple of weeks before the kids' party so that's my next focus (as well as trying to maintain my tidy house.... we'll see how that pans out :/  )

Anyway I'm feeling a bit proud.

And now on another topic and a sad one at that...

I had to make the tough decision to have one of my cats euthanased this week.  Sooty was almost 14 years old. My husband gave her to me when she was a kitten for Christmas in 2000.  I told him (joking a little) that I wanted a grey cat with a white shirt front and white socks.  He scoured the city until he found one and drove an hour across the city to get her.  Sooty had a crooked tail, it looked as though it had been shut in a door when she was weeks old.  There was little we could do to fix it but it didn't seem to bother her so we left it at that.

Sooty and I did not always see eye to eye, mostly because she always seemed to want to compete with me to be the alpha female in the family.  We eventually agreed to disagree I think and since she was never a snuggly sit on your lap kind of cat, we kind of just let each other have our own space with the occasional leg smooch and daily "feed me and I'll love you forever" request.

My poor old girl really started to look ill a while back.  For a long time she was skinny but then you could start to tell she wasn't grooming like she used to and she wasn't as feisty... she would always give the other 2 cats a swat every now and then just to keep them in line but really a hiss or a look from her was all it usually took.  That all changed and she would just sit at our feet, tucked away under the computer desk.

It seemed she wanted the company but didn't want to be bothered too much.

This week she became very weak in her back legs.  My hubby is out of town for work but my parents were here visiting.  I told the kids Sooty needed to go to the vets and she probably wouldn't come home again.  They both said their goodbyes in their own way.  My eldest dissolved into floods of tears that didn't stop until she slept that night and my youngest simply sat with the cat, stroking her and telling her she would be ok.

Sooty didn't struggle when I put her in the cat carrier,  she went in quietly which is not like her at all.  I guess a testament to how ill she really was.  My dad came with me, though I knew it would be tough for him, I was glad he did.

The vet and nurse were great, they didn't influence my choice in any way.  They explained everything very gently and respectfully.  I couldn't have asked for more.

When the time came, it hurt like hell.  I am a great believer in euthanasia and the right to choose.  I know Sooty was suffering and if left to die on her own, it would be a slow and painful way to go.  I know it was kinder to end her suffering.

But I hated myself for 'playing god'. I hated that it was me who made the decision.

I wanted to yell out, 'stop I've changed my mind' as the anaesthetic was injected.  It wouldn't have saved her in the long run and it was just me being selfish.

Guess I just didn't want things to change and didn't want to let her go.  Sometimes being an adult really sucks.

I cried and my dad cried with me.  Man, I was so glad he was there.

It's funny, it's only as I get older that I realise what a gentle soul my dad really is.  He's not a talker but he shows it in other ways.

So writing this has made me cry again.  But it feels good to get it out properly.  You should see the pile of tissues I've got next to me.

I feel better now though, thanks for listening xo

Wednesday, October 8, 2014