Wednesday, October 15, 2014

mixed feelings: a little progress and some sadness

you know what?

I hate to clean and I hate to garden but there is something to be said for the good feeling you get when you look at the clean house or the weeded garden and it looks great and you think "yeah, I did that!"

Before my parents arrived I really got stuck in and cleaned my house, ok the kids bedrooms were NOT tidy (and for the record mine wasn't either but nowhere near as bad as my 2 cherubs) but the rest of the house looked great.

And I've done most of the weeding in the front garden.  It's by no means perfect, the weeds will return and I was loathe to spray in case I killed all my neglected plants that somehow survive in spite of me.  However it does not look like the jungle that it grew into over winter.

My backyard still needs a LOT of work.  I've got a couple of weeks before the kids' party so that's my next focus (as well as trying to maintain my tidy house.... we'll see how that pans out :/  )

Anyway I'm feeling a bit proud.

And now on another topic and a sad one at that...

I had to make the tough decision to have one of my cats euthanased this week.  Sooty was almost 14 years old. My husband gave her to me when she was a kitten for Christmas in 2000.  I told him (joking a little) that I wanted a grey cat with a white shirt front and white socks.  He scoured the city until he found one and drove an hour across the city to get her.  Sooty had a crooked tail, it looked as though it had been shut in a door when she was weeks old.  There was little we could do to fix it but it didn't seem to bother her so we left it at that.

Sooty and I did not always see eye to eye, mostly because she always seemed to want to compete with me to be the alpha female in the family.  We eventually agreed to disagree I think and since she was never a snuggly sit on your lap kind of cat, we kind of just let each other have our own space with the occasional leg smooch and daily "feed me and I'll love you forever" request.

My poor old girl really started to look ill a while back.  For a long time she was skinny but then you could start to tell she wasn't grooming like she used to and she wasn't as feisty... she would always give the other 2 cats a swat every now and then just to keep them in line but really a hiss or a look from her was all it usually took.  That all changed and she would just sit at our feet, tucked away under the computer desk.

It seemed she wanted the company but didn't want to be bothered too much.

This week she became very weak in her back legs.  My hubby is out of town for work but my parents were here visiting.  I told the kids Sooty needed to go to the vets and she probably wouldn't come home again.  They both said their goodbyes in their own way.  My eldest dissolved into floods of tears that didn't stop until she slept that night and my youngest simply sat with the cat, stroking her and telling her she would be ok.

Sooty didn't struggle when I put her in the cat carrier,  she went in quietly which is not like her at all.  I guess a testament to how ill she really was.  My dad came with me, though I knew it would be tough for him, I was glad he did.

The vet and nurse were great, they didn't influence my choice in any way.  They explained everything very gently and respectfully.  I couldn't have asked for more.

When the time came, it hurt like hell.  I am a great believer in euthanasia and the right to choose.  I know Sooty was suffering and if left to die on her own, it would be a slow and painful way to go.  I know it was kinder to end her suffering.

But I hated myself for 'playing god'. I hated that it was me who made the decision.

I wanted to yell out, 'stop I've changed my mind' as the anaesthetic was injected.  It wouldn't have saved her in the long run and it was just me being selfish.

Guess I just didn't want things to change and didn't want to let her go.  Sometimes being an adult really sucks.

I cried and my dad cried with me.  Man, I was so glad he was there.

It's funny, it's only as I get older that I realise what a gentle soul my dad really is.  He's not a talker but he shows it in other ways.

So writing this has made me cry again.  But it feels good to get it out properly.  You should see the pile of tissues I've got next to me.

I feel better now though, thanks for listening xo

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