checking in

I find myself apologising a lot for my lengthy absences here and again I am sorry.

Recently, I faced my own truth and admitted that I have been struggling and needed help with depression.  If I am really honest, I have struggled in some form or severity for a long, long time. 

My moods and issues were affecting my relationships with the ones I love most so negatively.  Part of what made me go back to my doctor finally, was seeing how much medication had helped my darling Hubby and wanting that kind of improvement for myself as well as my family.

Now that I've acknowledged I am part of the problem, I hope to become part of the solution.

My first steps haven't been easy, taking my anti-depressant for the first time broke my heart.  For me it felt like admitting to my failure to cope.  I know there are lovely pictures floating about the internet saying that depression is a sign of staying strong for too long which is all well and good but you know what? In the harsh light of day, it's not the message you send yourself.  I've never felt more vulnerable and weak.

The medication is slowly starting to take effect, I have good days as well as not so good ones.  To be expected I imagine but for the most part I'm feeling pretty apathetic.  I feel like I'm existing most of the time rather than living.  I get the basic stuff done at home to keep the family running but I don't have it in me to go the extra mile. 

My biggest disappointment is that my sense of creativity and motivation to write has gone dormant.  It is only in the last few days that I've felt like looking at my book and when I've worked on it, it has only been to edit and iron out the kinks in the storyline.  I hope that as I improve, my writing mojo will come back.  I miss my characters.

And so my blogging has gone by the wayside as well.  I do fully intend to get back to doing more posts on Bali but I can't promise when that will be.

Thanks to those of you who have popped in every now and then.  I do appreciate your visits and feel free to drop me a note in my inbox or comment. I will reply

x o