meh

Just swinging by to let you know where I'm at right now.

I was naive enough to think that once I recognized what was actually wrong with me and started to take something for it, that all would be well.  I knew the meds take a while and they have made some difference but not as much as I hoped.

My anxiety has improved a lot, I can tell because when I drive I haven't got a stomach full of butterflies constantly and  don't feel the punch of adrenaline when someone pulls out in front of me unexpectedly or does anything stupid (which on Perth roads is more often than not).

So that's good right? worrying less is good, it would be safe to assume.

wrong!

Now I have room in my head to worry about other things, bigger things, scarier things.  These things still keep me up at night.

And my self confidence has gone way, way down.  I wouldn't have thought it was all that high to begin with but it is definitely at a low equal to that of my late teens and early twenties.

My Hubby and I started a marriage course, run by a local church but most of it isn't spiritual in any way.  It's all about relearning how to get to know your partner again and communicating effectively.  We have been to 2 sessions so far and it's been good, but has dredged up a lot of stuff.  We are trying very hard to listen to each other and tell each other what's really going on.

Hubby is trying really hard, I guess all he needed was some instruction on how to do it.  It's becoming more and more apparent to us that our major role models in marriage ie our parents don't always know what they're doing!  So I'm really proud of Hubby's progress, I am making some progress too but a lot of baggage comes along with it so I don't think it feels like progress to me just yet.

I am communicating to Hubby how I feel more now, not hiding my depression so much but still not wanting to worry him.  I finally told him that I often have thoughts about self harming, they come out when things aren't running so smoothly.  I can't cope and they are the first thing that pops into my head.  I'm finding I want to be alone a lot of the time too,  the kids bickering really gets me down and makes me want to hide rather than deal with it.  I do try to sort them out but without much success so far.

So I find myself often wondering why on Earth does Hubby love me.  I suppose that's my greatest fear... that one day he won't.

Gah! Self esteem... pfft!