June has been a bit of a crazy month for me and has slipped past far too quickly, I've being trying to take a moment to make sense of it all and all I've come up with is that this month was just full of emotions
it's not hard to see why when I look back, I came off the horrid mini pill that I'm sure was doing more bad than good. It's side effects have made me an awful person to be around and you know things are bad when you don't even like yourself much.
So after much thought and discussion, I stopped taking it... and wouldn't it be lovely if that solved all my problems? but there is of course now a period of adjustment and rebalance and quite frankly that sucks just as much as being of the wretched pill.
I talked a bit about researching personality types last month, at first it was in an attempt to gain more understanding of how my 6 year old ticks and it has kind of helped me interact more successfully with her but as I read more I discover more about myself.... I seem to be a type 6... ruled by anxiety and overly cautious among other things... oh and at times plagued by perfectionism (type 1) .... this coupled with anxiety seems to fester into a fear of failure in me and so I often do not attempt things so as to avoid the possibility of not getting it right the first time. I'm finding myself fretting over unfulfilled dreams (particularly career orientated) and caving in on myself, paralysed with the lack of self confidence.
Ok so acknowledging this about myself and being highly hormonally emotional have made this month rather unpleasant. I have had moments where I have absolutely loathed myself and drawn the conclusion that I'm an utter failure as a parent.
Thankfully I've had other moments where I've picked myself up and got my sh!t together all set to do better, for me and the family. It's all very up and down (no doubt like my hormones).
A couple of families have inspired me to do much better and it's worth a look at their pages....
Lilah Sophie a dear child who survived when her family was told there was no hope and whose family have shared their belief in loving and living life to the fullest.
Alice Pyne a young girl with terminal Hodgkins Disease who writes a blog about her bucket list. This disease strikes a nerve with me, having suffered from it. I find I am filled with shame, questioning myself... I have survived and have I done enough with my life?
Taking "me time" has felt horribly selfish, which is silly because I think the whole tribe would benefit if I did. I've snuck in the odd nap, done my usual reading (currently reading Good Omens by Neil Gaiman), watched the whole first season of Game of Thrones which I love! and watched the movie Paul, which was ok, kind of funny but not hilarious.
I am starting to feel more settled as the month goes on so I have hope that this horrid state of emotional flux will subside and become more manageable. God I'm looking forward to things feeling a bit more "normal"...