A slump

These days my head is full of writing ideas that will not translate into actual writing.

I want to but essentially can't be arsed.

I hate myself for it, writing is what I want to be doing more than anything and yet I'm not doing it.

I don't know what's holding me back, I often quote the lack of time being the problem but let's face it, even when I do have the time, the inclination is not often there.

I created a "space" in my new home for my writing but it is not just mine like I'd planned.  I don't know where I can go that would be exclusively for me.

A big part of the problem (maybe?) is I don't think  feel content but about what?  Me, I guess.

I'm in a funk that is in no way funky in a good way.  It sucks.

I keep telling myself, just sit down and write something, anything, it doesn't matter.  Create a habit of spending time writing and eventually the good stuff will start to flow from your fingers onto the page.

I find myself not believing my own crappy advice.

I prefer to plonk myself in front of the tv and watch someone else's stories.

I should quit whining and be proactive but I've not got that far yet.

Life is just meh at the moment.

It's been how long?

I just found out  that blogger has an app. How cool is that?   Perhaps this is the incentive I need to keep up a regular blog posting habit ?

3 months on from my last post and a LOT has happened. 

I dislocated my patella. ... did I tell you that already?   Well it's been a long recovery. ... I'm still not walking normally but am almost there.  Building muscle strength has been challenging. 

I will inevitably need surgery but at this stage it is not an emergency so my hope is to delay it until I have enough holiday leave built up to take the necessary time off. 

In the meantime I am being very careful when I move about. If it dislocates again then my surgery will have to be moved forward.

I've moved into my new house and we all survived.... barely.

I've been to Bali on holiday. ... booked and paid for before my injury so damn I still had to go! LOL.  It was wonderful and was just what the family and I needed after all the upheaval of moving.

I'm slowly getting back to writing. ... I wasn't in the right head space for a long time but I'm finding my groove again.   I've also decided that I need to fully overhaul my story and change its perspective to first person.

It is flowing so much better now. .... making me think why didn't I do that earlier! ?!

We live and learn hey?

OK so I must go for now.  Just wanted to touch base again.... if you're still out there that is.  Thanks heaps if you are xo

a slight hitch

well, I've outdone myself this time.  I had thought that I'd pulled myself together and was getting stuck into packing and organising for our move and the unthinkable happened

I managed to dislocate my kneecap... I managed to dislocate my knee cap while packing.

It sucks big time, I'm in a splint (still) and am pretty useless when it comes to moving house.  My hubby and MIL have pretty much done it all themselves.  They are completely and utterly knackered but it's done now Thank God!

I don't know the full extent of damage I've done to my knee... I see a surgeon this week and I assume scans etc will be done and then we know what needs to be done.  What I do know is that, after 2 weeks my knee has not improved much which makes me worry about what's going on inside.

Not that worrying is of any use, I just feel bad that I'm not able to do what I need to do right now for my family.  I also feel bad about missing so much work too, finances are always a concern but never more so when you're about to take on a bigger mortgage.

A sensible little voice inside me reminds me that everything will turn out fine.  No matter what happens, we will be fine.... we might be eating beans on toast 3 times a week for dinner but we will be fine!

I know this and believe it but I am a worrier from way back.  I shall worry whether I need to or not!

So now that I'm unable to do much... I have a lot of time on my hands... it's not been put to good use yet but I'm hoping to get back into my book... I have in the back of my mind that I want it finished this year.  Time to push myself I guess.

Anyway, I will get back to you soon with how it's going.

Hope you're well, thanks for checking in :)

fed up

I can't bring myself to pack anything

I'm fed up with house hunting

I'm wondering why we aren't just staying put in our teeny tiny house... oh yeah that would be why, it's teeny in the extreme.

the property market here is very slow, house prices are slumped which is good for buyers but sellers if they're smart are hanging onto their property.  There's not a lot out there to choose from.

I feel pressure from all sides to "just pick one".   My MIL is now talking about sacrificing some of the things on my "must have" list... I don't see why I should when it's my money I'm spending.  I don't think I'm being overly fussy. I just know that if I sacrifice some of the big deal things, for example a decent kitchen or patio, we won't have the money to put it in later... we'd be better off waiting to find the right house that ticks all our boxes.

If we don't find something soon we will have to rent until the right thing comes along.  I don't want to but bunking in with the oldies is not an option for anyone's sanity.

The search continues...

Grief and Validation

I'm posting here because in real life, the people around me are sick of hearing it.

Much of the weekend was spent crying for me... the stress of selling, packing and looking for a new home is huge.  Something I knew wouldn't be easy but I hadn't expected it to be this tough either.

Last week we actually thought we'd found a place, it wasn't in the suburb I wanted but the house was good.  It ticked a lot of boxes for us and I even managed to convince my husband that it was a good place for us.  In truth I could see us living there, until...

We signed on the dotted line and I felt my heart just lurch.  My gut screamed that something wasn't right.  After a sleepless night and stress filled day the next day, I worked it out... the bottom line was I didn't want to move that much further away from where we are now.

So I hoped with everything I had the sellers wouldn't accept our offer... they did.  BUMMER, however...

They belatedly disclosed some details about the place to their agent that would have made a difference to our decision...  so we were allowed to rescind our offer.

I cried I was so relieved and yet, it put us back to square one.

We're still looking, there's not much out there that suits us at the moment.  We have to wait, we knew that but it isn't easy.

I have a sense of not belonging anywhere now, our little home is no longer home anymore and we have nowhere to look forward to moving to yet.  It will come, I know it will but right now I'm grieving the loss of our first home, it isn't much... it really isn't.  It's small and poky and badly needs a face-lift  but we spent 12 years here and it wasn't much but it was still our home.

The lack of feeling secure, not knowing what our next step will be is killing me.  I need that to keep my head above water.  Not coping makes life harder than it has to be.  It sucks big time.

Working out that I was, in fact, grieving has been a small step in the right direction.  I'm a talker about feelings,  however I've been talking and I'm not feeling heard.  I'm being told to be patient and the right house will come and I KNOW IT WILL FFS!!!! but being given the brush off and not validating my feelings is more upsetting than helpful.

So there, I've got it off my chest... that has helped somewhat.  Thanks xo

The search continues...

When did February happen?

oh man! it's been a while.

lots has happened.

we spent much of the lead up to christmas prepping our house for sale.  at one point it seemed like it would never be ready, it was so damned frustrating and stressful.

but we got there and our house was listed just over 2 weeks ago and just yesterday we accepted an offer!

now we have to find a place we like... we want to stay in our same area and there's not a lot that we like right now.  we're trying hard not to get caught up in rushing into finding a place, it's a big investment and the house we choose has to be perfect for our needs.  

anyway, the search continues...

what else?

well the house stuff has been almost all consuming and then it's been the summer school holidays so if I've not been at work I've been trying to keep my little peeps busy.  not an easy task, especially since I don't have a money tree out in the backyard.

but we survived,  sanity almost intact and they returned to school today.  i was clicking my heels together (figuratively speaking) all the way home after dropping them off in the morning.

I've been reading a lot, mainly erotic romance and I've got a list of to be read books a mile long.  Really looking forward to reading Seducing Destiny by Amelia Hutchins and the final 2 books in the Gypsy Brothers series and End Game by Kate McCarthy.  They're all sitting on my Kindle just waiting to get started :)

Oh and finally.... FINALLY!!!!!  I returned to my own book... the poor thing it's been neglected for a good 2 months.  I would love to say that 2015 is the year it is finished but I don't like to make resolutions and I rarely keep them.  Guess I will be happy if I can work on it on a regular basis and shape it into something I can feel proud of.

OK well that's enough of a catch up for today... thanks for popping by every now and then to see if I've updated... I notice and I appreciate it, I really do.

*kiss kiss*